Monday Morning Minute

December 26, 2011

2011-12-25T12:12:00.000-05:00

It is with mixed feelings that I must bring to a close the Monday Morning Minutes that I have been sending out for the past almost 14 years. I began the devotions in 1997 and have sent one out every Monday since. Thanks to ATT and spam guards, it has become almost impossible to send large emails groups so I am choosing to cease sending the devotions. This will be the last one. I hope they have been a source of encouragement, humor and self reflection, and if they have been any source of inspiration, give Jesus the credit and not this author. It is with a prayer that I close this ministry asking that God's blessings be on each of you and thanking you for the encouragement you have given me over the years. Sincerely, Chaplain Terry Barnes, LPD.

No. 667

MONDAY MORNING MINUTE © FROM CHAPLAIN BARNES On-the-Job Inspiration, Humor Challenge and Encouragement. You are invited to copy and share these notes with others so long as it is not for profit.

December 26, 2011

“Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith….” 1 Peter 5:8-9

I hated that scene. The prisoner was seated in a chair, feet taped to the chair legs and hands bound behind his back. Unable to defend himself, his captor beat him with a rubber hose inflecting blow after blow on his head and chest until he lapsed into a bloody unconscious state. When the enemy of your soul wants to make you miserable, he waits until your most vulnerable time. If he wants to frighten you, then he will wait until you are ready to sleep or totally exhausted and Zowie! enter the “what if” game. If he wants to anger you, then he waits until you’re tired and stressed, and then ka-pow! Enter the event that really ticks you off more than anything else. If he wants you to laps into total uselessness with the self pity ploy, BAM! Here it comes right after you have suffered a major disappointment. Or one of his favorite ones, just after you have failed God and in sorrow asked for forgiveness, Pow! Enter the jack-hammer of guilt to attack your mind and instill questions of God’s love! Satan plays dirty. He invades children as well as adults. He torments the pagan as well as the saint. He only exists to cause all the pain and havoc he can because he hates God and by causing God’s creation, especially his children who he loves, pain, then he is at his best. Please remember; Forewarned is Forearmed. Be aware of these tricks of your spiritual enemy. Know that he will use them on you and pray the most when you are in one of these spiritual vulnerable times. Please remember, we all go through struggles like these and pray for others also. Remember, though we suffer now, it is as for a moment. Satan will get it for all eternity. Jesus has already made sure of that. Now, that ought to be something to get you started praising Him for even now.

Thought for the week: "In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

Funny for the week: Santa and Science

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18). But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total-- leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

4) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, at tops
25-30 miles per hour.

5) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer. This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

6) Three hundred and fifty-three thousand tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.

And Merry Christmas to you too………Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What are God’s first recorded words in the Bible? (Let there be light. Gen. 1:3)

This weeks question: Complete the following verse: “The harvest truly is plenteous, but …..”

The Monday Morning Minute features material that Chaplain Barnes thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fuelled feedback if sent to his other than more general and family safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s ok with that. And yes, he tells these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called Minister for reasons other than the jokes he tells.

STATEMENT OF PRIVACY: I value my privacy as much as you do. I will never sell or distribute your address or any information about you!

Terry Barnes

Just because you have the right to does not mean it is right to.

December 19, 2011

2011-12-19T00:01:00.001-05:00

“This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

In Genesis it says that at the end of each day after God had made each thing, He declared it GOOD! I have never quite figured out how the Mosquito made it in that blessing. If there ever was something that had no apparent good, it would be that varmint. Yet, God does all things well or good and he made them too. It seems only we humans have the innate ability to focus on all the minor irritations of life and let the “little things” cloud out the mammoth blessings that come to us each day. I am sure the evil one would have us ignore those blessings and focus only on those small nagging irritants of life. Don’t let him. Choose to be happy because happiness is indeed a choice. No one can make you be unhappy or mad. You choose. Likewise you can choose to be happy when you choose to focus on the right things. So what will it be today? Golden sunrise of another God given day and life or buzzzzz? It’s your choice! Amen, you think about that while I kill this mosquito.

Thought for the week: “Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.” - Lee Daniel Quinn

Funny for the week: Christmas Tree Search

There were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!

I just haul mine up from the basement.. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: How long had Lazarus been in the tomb when Jesus brought him back to life? (4 days – John 11:17)

This week’s question: What are God’s first recorded words in the Bible?

December 12, 2011

2011-12-12T00:01:00.002-05:00

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way that you should go; I will guide you with my eye upon you. Do not be like the horse or the mule;…whose temperament must be curbed with bit and bridle.” Psalm 34:8-9

I am going to let you in on a secret: I like my comfort zone! Bet none of you are guilty of that. Let God start nudging me to serve him in a new or different way and man, I can find more excuses and arguments why not to than congress can find sink holes to pour taxes into. I invent reasons why it will not work and rationalize why I should not be the one to do it. I thought I had a monopoly on that art until I read my Bible and found a lot of company. Even though I often quote the proverb, “The only thing that does not change is change”, I resist it in my own life. Fear of the unknown may only be human, but some of us are over gifted with it. Yet in it’s purest form, it is nothing more than faithlessness and that is sin. The passage quoted above says that if God calls you to something, he will equip you to do it. He will guide you and he will protect you while you do it. Not only that, when he tells you to open a new door, there is always a special blessing behind that door. So, if you feel God has been calling you to some task that scares you to death, go ahead, take a deep breath, turn the door knob and walk in and enjoy God’s blessing. Me? I prefer to stay here and make sure everything stays the same, just in case. But then again, maybe…..

Thought for the week: "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
- Douglas Adams

Funny for the week: *Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*

- A couple of slates short of a full roof.

- A few pies short of a holiday.

- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

- All wax and no wick.

- Batteries not included.

- Bright as Alaska in December.

- Chimney's clogged.

- Got his brains as a stocking filler.

- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

- A few presents short of a full sleigh.

Bah Humbug………..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the grandson of Boaz? (Jesse – Ruth 4:13-17)

This weeks question: How long had Lazarus been in the tomb when Jesus brought him back to life?

December 5, 2011

2011-12-05T06:41:00.001-05:00

For we have this treasure, in human bodies, to show that the power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted…perplexed, but not in despair; struck down but not destroyed.” 2 Cor. 4:7-8

Eleven o’clock at night – just as I am getting into a good sleep and the phone rings. The Police Department calls and I am needed to assist with a death notification. Ministering to people seldom comes at a convenient time. There are a few times when it is easier that others, but those times are few. I really want to serve the Lord but when I am tired, stressed, discouraged, irritated; the circumstances temp me to quit. (No Scott, I can not walk on water either.) But the truth is that very little of God’s work would get done if we waited for ideal circumstances. Our adversary will insure that senerio never happens. Yet in spite of our human tendency to be tired, discouraged or distracted, it always amazes me how the Lord Jesus seems to bless our efforts, and even more sometimes when we really don’t feel like ministering. I have quoted Charles Swindoll many times but what he said is so true. “There is no ministry without sacrifice.” Paul in his writings said many times that it is when we are weakest, He is strongest. If Jesus’ strength is not flowing through us, then what we are doing is wood, hay and stubble and will be burned up one day. What a waste! Especially if we didn’t even feel like doing it in the first place. Make your ministry count. Allow the hidden treasure of God’s love to flow through you to someone today. Even if you don’t feel like it!

Thought for the week: "As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air - however slight - lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness."
- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas

Funny for the week: A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"

And who said seniors aren’t sharp?.......... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who told Zacharias to name his son “John”? (The angel Gabriel – Luke 1:13,19)

This week’s question: Who was the grandson of Boaz?

November 28, 2011

2011-12-04T18:41:00.000-05:00

“My soul is very sorrowful, even unto death…My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I want, but thy will be done.” Matthew 26:38-39

Do you know who was praying the prayer printed in part above? Yes, it was Jesus in the Garden. Stop and reflect that it is a prayer prayed by Jesus that God did not answer exactly as he asked it. Even Jesus was denied his request. When we pray we need to be careful that we do not paint God into a corner by dictating how He should answer our prayer. We are wrong to tell him how to answer, when to answer or even what to answer. God has the wisdom to answer in a way that is always in our best interest and according to his plan and will. He may answer exactly as we ask or He may supersede our request by answering in a better way. He may also say no or (that dirty word I hate) wait. One thing we can be sure of is that His answer to our prayers are perfect in timing, circumstances and measure when we add, “not my will, but thine be done.”

Thought for the week: "One today is worth two tomorrows." - Benjamin Franklin

FuFunny for the week: Senior Citizen Discount

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from the rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

- Author unknown

I resemble that joke…………. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which book in the Bible provides a list of the Jewish exiles who were allowed to return from Babylon? (Ezra 2)

This week’s question: Who told Zacharias to name his son “John”?

November 21, 2011

2011-11-22T20:18:00.000-05:00

“Again I say unto you,if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be donefor them by my Father in heaven.” Matthew 18:19

Occasionally I have tobrag a little. Today’s devotion is one of those times. One of thethings I love about my church is we have prayer meetings. Wait! Iknow other churches have meetings called that, but most of the timeis spent in chatting, Bible study or other good things. But we callour Wednesday service a prayer meeting because we take time to shareprayer request, prayer victories and then pray. We share request,victories and pray again on Saturday and Sunday nights and othergroups meet on other days to share and pray together. We publish asheet of paper each week listing the request and victories for peopleto take home and pray in their private times. Our church has beenamazed how great this blessing has been. God never intended us toface life alone. When we share our needs with others they help uscarry the load. When trouble comes the pressure is halved. When goodtimes come the joy is doubled. If you are not involved in a prayergroup, ask God to lead you to a spiritual prayer support group.Better yet, start one in your church! It’s Biblical!

Thoughtfor the week: A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks youought to.
-- Granville Hicks

Funnyfor the week: Expensive Cosmetics

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmeticsguaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sittingbefore the mirror applying the "miracle" products, sheasked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judgingfrom your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twentyfive."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

Trip to theER..Priceless……….. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Whattask was given exclusively to the Levite clan in the Book of Numbers? (Care of the tabernacle -Numbers 3)

This week’s question:Which book in the Bible provides a list of the Jewish exiles who wereallowed to return from Babylon?

November 14, 2011

2011-11-14T18:41:00.000-05:00

“Cast your burden upon the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

Be honest now! Just think with me for a moment. What if? What if you never had a worry or care? Would you act any different? Would you do anything different? I would. If I had absolutely no care or worry in the world I would be the most arrogant, self righteous, flagrant, flamboyant, fool that ever lived. If there were never times when I had done all I could do and nothing works and I had to totally trust the Lord, then He would not be necessary. If I could solve all my problems and fix all my worries I would never cry out to God and understand his power and care for me. I would never pray or search the scriptures for promises or comfort – why bother? I would become a very self centered thankless creature who learned creative ways to pat himself on the back all the time. I would never experience the godly serenity that comes when I totally turn something over the Lord. The truth is, we all do worry and have cares. We are not the master of our own fate. We are not capable of handling all our affairs or defending ourselves from natural and supernatural assaults. There are those times when we must totally trust the Lord because we are not God and He is. It is part of His design to show us that He really does care for us, and that we really are the apple of His eye and the delight of his heart. Feelings will try to tell us different, but faith will always point us to the promises He has given and which He always will keep. It is in faith we cast our burden upon the Lord, it is in faith we leave them there. Worry? Who me? I wish! But I am trying. How about you?

Thought for the week: “Peace is not the absence of trouble - peace is the presence of God.”

Funny for the week: "Special Delivery"

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which book in the New Testament says, “But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.”? (1 Corinthians 11:28)

This week’s question: What task was given exclusively to the Levite clan in the Book of Numbers?

November 7, 2011

2011-11-06T21:44:00.000-05:00

“When you are angry, do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26

Did you know it is not Biblical to tell someone “now don’t get mad”? Godly anger has it’s place. We are to be angry when injustice prevails and innocent people suffer or die. We are to be angry when evil sows it thorns of death and destruction on people’s lives. We are to be angry about things God is angry about. But there is always a catch it seems and so does Biblical anger. While we are being angry, we must not sin. We must control our anger and focus it to correct problems and defend the helpless. We sin when we allow the anger to control us. Controlled anger is splitting an atom inside a controlled reactor in a power plant and producing electricity. Uncontrolled anger is splitting an atom uncontrolled in a bomb and destroying everything in an entire city. How are you with anger? Controlled or uncontrolled? When you see the pettiness, rudeness or evil of others, how do you react? When someone bumps you, what spills out? Do we use our anger to carve up other people, cut them down and inflict all the damage we can or do we use anger to fight for right and correct injustice? Do we turn the anger inward and experience deep depression (depression is anger turned inward) or in love confront the offender and seek restored harmony? Since God made us, He also knew the effect anger would have on us and those around us, so he limited the time we could use it. Anger must be resolved quickly and completely or like unchecked bugs in a potato patch, it will destroy us. Anger can be a powerful motivator to push us to fight evil and wrong, or it can be a deadly villain to wreck havoc and destruction on us and those around us. Be angry about what makes God angry, but leave no place for it to control you before the sun goes down; make peace because “Blessed are the peace-makers.”

Thought for the week: “Nothing you will ever lose matters much if you save your soul; nothing you will ever save matters if you lose your soul.”

Funny for the week: Quick proposal.

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared.

"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

Wonder if she accepted ? …….Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What did Moses produce from a rock to pacify the mutinous Israelites while wandering in the desert? (Water - Exodus 17:6)

This week’s question: Which book in the New Testament says, “But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.”?

October 31, 2011

2011-10-31T00:01:00.001-04:00

Today I would like to share some “Spiritual Food for Thought” taken from the Tar Heel Gideon. It is written by Ted Self.

1. Give God what is right, not what is left

2. “Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school)

3. Man’s way leads to a hopeless end. God’s way leads to an endless hope.

4. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

5. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

6. To be almost saved is to be totally lost.

7. We’re too blessed to be depressed.

8. Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

9. God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts.”

10. God grades on the cross, not the curve.

11. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into church for a faith lift.

12. Prayer – don’t give God instructions – just report for duty.

13. God doesn’t want shares of your life, He wants controlling interest.

14. Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church.

15. A family altar can alter a family.

16. We don’t change the message, the message changes us.

17. This Church is “Prayer Conditioned.”

18. When God ordains, He sustains.

19. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

20. Most people want to serve God – but only in an advisory capacity.

21. Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

22. Exercise daily – walk with the Lord.

23. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

24. Wisdom has two parts: A) Having a lot to say. B) Not saying it.

25. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.

26. Watch your step carefully. Everyone else does.

27. A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.

28. Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

29. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

30. He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

31. Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

32. He who angers you controls you!

33. Worry is the darkroom in which “negatives” are developed.

34. Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.

35. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

36. Be ye fishers of men, you catch them, He will clean them.

37. Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.

38. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

39. If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!

Thought for the week: “To realize the worth of the anchor we need to feel the storm.”

Funny for the week: "Top 10 Wrong Ways to Initiate Your Son Into Manhood"

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with it's tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: How many generations were there from Abraham to King David – 7, 8.14,20,or 23? (14 Matthew 1:17)

This week’s question: What did Moses produce from a rock to pacify the mutinous Israelites while wandering in the desert?

October 24, 2011

2011-10-24T08:40:00.000-04:00

“But the fruit of the Spirit is …...” Galatians 5:22

The supposedly “king of rock in roll” named Elvis once sang about being “all shook up.” I got to thinking about that and wondered, what comes out of me when I get “all shook up?” Imagine someone holding a full cup of coffee and having someone bump their elbow. What comes out of the cup? Only what is inside the cup splashes out. Not milk or juice but coffee. What about you and me? What is inside us that splashes out when we get verbally or emotionally bumped at home or work? Does anger, resentment, foul language or gossip spew from our mouth or does gentleness, kindness, meekness and forgiveness? God’s desire is to conform us to the image of his son and when Jesus had hectic days he NEVER was short or rude with anyone. Even on the cross dying a horrible death he did not curse or berate, but prayed for those who were killing and tormenting him. Your faith is not put to the test sitting in a church pew with people who care about you. It is molded and tested on the rough and hectic days when you get bumped and shoved by people who are seemingly intent on making you miserable. When they bump you, what comes out? Listen to your words next time. Are they fruit of the spirit or fruit of the flesh words.

Thought for the week: “You may not like Mondays, but they are one-seventh of your life.”

Funny for the week: Mari's Voice

My friend Mari has a screechy voice that makes people queasy to hear it.

The other day she came over for dinner. I served squid.

After dinner she went out on the terrace and, observing a gorgeous sunset, she yelled in for the rest of us to come out and see it.

I felt suddenly nauseated. At first I thought it was something I had eaten.

Actually it was the call o' Mari.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What normally sinkable item did Elisha make float? (An iron axe head 2 Kings 6:6)

This week’s question: How many generations were there from Abraham to King David – 7, 8,14,20,or 23?

October 17, 2011

2011-10-17T00:01:00.001-04:00

“The angel of the Lord keeps guard around those that fear him, and delivers them.” Psalm 34:7

What do you fear? Certain people in my house fear spiders. Others fear the dark. The list of phobias is long and complicated. We all have things that cause us to become apprehensive. Some are totally incapacitated by them. Some fear is natural and good. In police work we talk about the adrenalin rush we get when facing a dangerous task as the “fight or flight syndrome.” That burst of energy is built into our system by God to enable us to respond to danger with extra energy to either run or fight for survival. All of us have it. But what about those who never come down from it and live in a constant state of dread and fear? That is not good. If left unchecked, it will eventually drain that person of all life and health and leads to an early death. When it comes to your safety, God is watching you very carefully. He knows the dangers, the traps, and the snares of life you face. God would never let Jesus die for you and then abandon you to the dangers and temptations of life. He has way too much invested in you to let you go. He gave His only Son for you! If you are troubled or frightened, ask God to help you relax. Meditate on his wonderful love and gift of his Son that he offers you. Memorize verses like Psalm 118:5-6 and say them out loud when fear stalks you. Claiming Gods promises in faith will help you stifle the feelings that control you and you can claim victory. But you have to choose, faith or feelings?

Thought for the week: “If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.”

Funny for the week: "Professor Turns Plumber"

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: To heal the deaf and dumb man in Decapolis what two specific parts of his body did Jesus touch? (Ears and tongue Mark 7:13-37)

This week’s question: What normally sinkable item did Elisha make float?

October 10, 2011

2011-10-10T00:28:00.001-04:00

“I solemnly urge you: Proclaim the message, be faithful whether the time is favorable or unfavorable…” Timothy 4:2

As I write this devotional, yesterday was one of those mornings. It was 11 degrees outside and the bed was so warm and soft that I could not bear the thoughts of crawling out. So, instead of getting up at my regular hour, I waited for another hour. Consequently, I did not have time to have my quite time. It was a choice I regretted. All day I was bombarded with problems and inner turmoil for which I had not taken time to prepare my heart for. Feelings battered my faith and won. Feelings say that if everything is going hunky-dory then God is near and we can relax. Faith says that God will solve our problems even when everything around us is getting worse. Living the Christian life when we “feel” God is near is wonderfully fun and easy. Being faithful when the feelings are not there, and when circumstances are tough, when we feel like we’re in a spiritual desert, that takes faith. Next time when circumstances are not favorable and you want to doubt or let you feelings tell you that God is gone and you are alone, choose to be faithful and trust. Choose to let faith overcome feelings and barge ahead believing God will do all he has promised, exceedingly abundantly more! “I believe, help thou my unbelief!!”

Thought for the week: “Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.”

Funny for the week: Bologna Fly

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna.

The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.

Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.

The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Whom did Hazael murder and take the throne from? (Ben-haded 2 Kings 8:13-15)

This week’s question: To heal the deaf and dumb man in Decapolis what two specific parts of his body did Jesus touch?

October 3, 2011

2011-10-03T00:01:00.002-04:00

"I prefer to find my joy in the very things that are my weakness; and then the power of Christ will come and rest upon me. I am well content with these humiliations of mine, the hardships, the persecutions, the times of difficulty I undergo for Christ; for when I am weak, it is then that I am strong." II Corinthians 12:9-10

I have scars all over my body. Where my appendix was taken out, where I had a bike wreck, where I stepped on an oyster bed barefooted, and on and on: From head to toe, I have scars from past encounters with sharp items. Bet some of you do too. But did you know your soul has scars too? A friend of mine calls them “soul scars.” You know, those areas in your life where you have been hurt, where you have failed, where God had to remove something harmful from your life, where you feel inadequate or ashamed. We all have them, but few admit it. Like models on the cover of Cover Girl Magazine, we want to look perfect to those around us, so we try to cover the scars up. But for Christians, the very scar we are trying to cover up is in fact a reminder of His victory. It is a place where He gently encouraged, strengthened and helped us release past hurts. That scar can be something He can show others, not about how good you are, but how wonderful He is. Then, when He has restored you, the positive power of God can be seen coming from Him and not us. Got any scars you can show the world today? Share God’s victory in your life with someone today.

Thought for the week: “Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.”

Funny for the week: Two funnies this week…

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

And then there was….

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"A hundred and fifty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the father of Abimelech? (Gideon Judges 8:31)

This week’s question: Whom did Hazael murder and take the throne from?

September 26, 2011

2011-09-26T00:01:00.001-04:00

“For jealousy enrages a man, and he will not spare in the day of vengeance.” Proverbs 6:34

The most dangerous call a police officer responds to must be domestic violence. While alcohol is most often involved, so is jealousy. Anger and violence fueled by jealousy explode and people get hurt. How do you handle jealousy? When someone else gets the promotion, the raise, the attention, the lottery, the clean bill of health; do you ever feel jealous? Joyce Meyer in her book, “Battlefield of the Mind” gives some good advice. Joyce writes, “When you recognize wrong thought patters beginning to flow into your mind, talk to yourself a little. Say to yourself, ‘What good will it do me to be jealous of others? It won’t get me blessed. God has an individual plan for each of us, and I am going to trust Him to do the best thing for me. It isn’t any of my business what he chooses to do for other people.’ Then deliberately and purposely pray for them to be blessed more.” (p.267) Now that my friend takes spiritual maturity. She goes on to say, “Examine what is in your mind. If it does not agree with God’s thoughts (the Bible), then cast down your own thoughts and think on His.” (p.278)

Thought for the week: “You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.”

Funny for the week: Knowledge Pills

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."

AMEN …… Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which book of the New Testament says, “All things are lawful unto me but all things are not expedient”? (1 Corinthians 6:12)

This week’s question: Who was the father of Abimelech?

September 19, 2011

2011-09-18T13:37:00.000-04:00

Question first, passage last. Are you an Idolater? That ought to get your attention. Most of us would say, ‘I don’t worship idols. I don’t bow down before a statute or something like that.” Well, that may be true, but consider the definition of idolatry. Idolatry in its simplest definition is placing your affection, loyalty or attention on anything other than God. Ok, some of us are getting a little uncomfortable. But how about this found in Ephesians 5:5. Paul says, “For this you know with certainty that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.” (Italics mine) Wow! Did you know that desiring and longing for things that belong to someone else; not being satisfied with what you have is idolatry? Only Jesus fills our desires and when we try to fill them with other things and think other things we don’t have will meet our needs, we place those things before God and they receive our affection. That then becomes idol worship and God abhors and despises it because it separates us from him and becomes sin in our lives. Check-up on yourself and see if you are covetous. If so, confess it as sin and ask Jesus to meet the true needs in your heart that only he can meet

Thought for the week: “There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.”
~ Goethe

Funny for the week: "Lit Match"

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

Yes and they vote……… Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What did John say that God would do to anyone who adds to the things prophesied in Revelation? (God shall add unto him the plagues written of in Revelation. Rev. 22:18)

This weeks question: Which book of the New Testament says, “All things are lawful unto me but all things are not expedient”?

September 12, 2011

2011-09-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

“Never the less, I am continually with thee…” Psalm 73:23 ff

Psalm 73:23-24 has an interesting development. The first part of verse 23 says, Never the less, I am continually with thee. Continually means “I will never leave thee or forsake thee.” Jesus is always present. He will never be parted from us even if we wonder from him. He is faithful when we are unfaithful. Then the verse goes on to say, “Thou hast taken hold of my right hand.” Ever notice that most people are right handed? They do things for themselves with their right hand. If someone is holding that dominate hand, they are unable to do for themselves. Jesus then has to supply for us. Verse 24 continues, “With thy counsel thou wilt guide me.” He will instruct (from his Word) us in how we should live while he is providing and protecting us. His counsel will always be best and right. Finally, verse 24 concludes with, “And afterward receive me to glory.” A promise of eternal life. The one who is walking continually with Jesus, being provided for and counseled by him will be received or led into heaven by him. So what am I saying? The Christian life begins with the new birth, not death. It must be totally Jesus controlled, Jesus powered and Jesus directed. Otherwise it is a self controlled life and Jesus is not Lord. Where is your right hand today? Held in His or doing your will?

Thought for the week: “Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation.”

Funny for the week: To Whom It May Concern,

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art.

I want to lie under a big Oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day. I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes. But that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. When all you knew was to be happy because you didn’t know all the things that should make you worried and upset. I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took your jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again. I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find. I would spend my afternoon climbing trees and riding my bike. I want to live simply again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, or how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, ball hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, the advancement of mankind and making angels in the snow.

So….here is my checkbook, my car-keys and my credit cards. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause………….

“Tag! You’re it.”................Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What phenomenon occurred during the crucifixion of Christ from the sixth to the ninth hour? (Darkness. Matthew 27:45)

This week’s question: What did John say that God would do to anyone who adds to the things prophesied in Revelation?

September 5, 2011

2011-09-06T10:21:00.000-04:00

“Cease striving and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10

One of the things that makes Jesus Christ so special is that he relates to each person individually. Let me explain what I mean. In the Bible, when Paul met Jesus he had a blinding light experience on the road that left him blind for three days. Others like James and John simply got up and left with him when he said, “follow me.” Jesus matched each person with his personality. I love to hear how Christ saved people. Some today fight him nail and tooth until his gentle wooing breaks into their heart and they surrender. They usually have an experience like Paul. Others as little children simply accept his salvation and begin following him like James and John. I was like the latter. Jesus Christ entered my life in an undramatic way. I was seven. No tears, no brand-new feeling, no cleaned-out feeling. I simply in my heart chose to follow Jesus Christ. I confessed my sin and began making him Lord of my life. Doubts? Lots! But each time I came back to the claims of scripture and trusted God to do what he said he would do. I guess when one is not expecting to find something great and it crashes in on them, things get pretty dramatic. But when one is seeking and looking for something and finds it, did not God simply do what he was wanting to do all the time? Throw a party and get up and follow him. After all, he relates to our personalities individually, even in our salvation.

Thought for the week: “Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.” ~Henry Ford

Funny for the week: "Exam Assistance"

In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who said the following to whom: “As the Lord God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew or rain these years but according to my word.”? (Elijah to Ahab 1 Kings 17:1)

This week’s question: What phenomenon occurred during the crucifixion of Christ from the sixth to the ninth hour?

August 29, 2011

2011-08-29T16:28:00.000-04:00

“Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness (desert) to be tempted by the devil.” Matthew 4:1

Ever wonder why Jesus was led into the desert instead of, say the city, or the beach, or the cool mountain retreat? Why not a month at the spa or a fancy five star resort? The Bible gives us a little hint later when it says he was tempted in all ways like we are, yet without sinning. Ken Gire in his book “Intense Moments with the Savior” explained it this way. “The desert is where we face the strongest and most seductive temptations in life. It is where the enemy is most formidable and where we are most vulnerable.” (p.37) Satan is a creep who never fights fair. He will hit us the hardest when we are most vulnerable and weakest. Jesus placed himself in the same position many of us face when temptation comes. Weak, tired and discouraged. Satan pounced on him and tried his best to make him sin, but he didn’t. What he did do though was place Jesus in a place where he could say, “I have been there my child, and I will be with you through this horrible temptation, and even provide you a way through if you will just have faith in me.” If you are in a desert today, know that Satan will throw the best temptation he has at you, but Jesus has already been there and if you call on him, he will see you through.

Thought for the week: “If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.”
~George Patton

Funny for the week: School Books

“Walking To School The First Day Back” by Misty Bus

“The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me” by I. Rhoda Bike

“Can't See The Chalkboard” by Sidney Backrow

“Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School” by Major Crackupp

“What I Dislike About Returning To School” by Mona Lott

“Making It Through the First Week Of School” by Gladys Saturday

“Is Life Over When Summer Ends?” by Midas Welbee

“What I Love About Returning To School” by I.M. Kidding

“Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?” by I. Betty Wont

“What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School” by U. Will Gettitt

Of the making of books, there is no end...........Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What son of Saul ruled over Israel for 2 years after his father’s death? (Ishbosheth 2 Sam. 2:10)

This weeks question: Who said the following to whom: “As the Lord God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew or rain these years but according to my word.”?

August 22, 2011

2011-08-22T00:01:00.001-04:00

“Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you.” Psalm 50:15

Many of us have known the horror of Satan’s attacks on our children. In her book, “He’s Been Faithful,” Carol Cymbala shares the following challenge.

“If we are going to fight, our battle can only be won through prayer. We must draw closer than ever to God, believing in his faithfulness. Psalm 50:15 is not empty words, but a clear promise from Almighty God. Throughout the struggle, however long or short it may last; we will certainly be attacked by confusion. We will be tempted to give up. But just as God gave me the grace to stay, even when I wanted to run, he will give you the grace to do whatever it takes to fight for your children. In ways you cannot possibly imagine, God will use the very attack of Satan on your children’s lives to accomplish great things for his Glory. Don’t let the circumstances fool you. Don’t let your faith be shaken. God’s love is so powerful it can touch any heart, even the heart that seems impossibly far from him.” (p. 145)

Thought for the week: “Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.”

Funny for the week: Meanderthals

MEANDERTHALS /me-AN-dur-thols/ noun: aimless, slow-walking pedestrians who mindlessly get in everyone else's way on sidewalks, stores, in malls, and crosswalks, often while preoccupied with a cell phone.

And the world is hopeless infected with them now……….. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: In the list of Ten Commandments which number of Commandment is the following: “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”? (Seven Exodus 20:14)

This week’s question: What son of Saul ruled over Israel for 2 years after his father’s death?

From WDC

2011-08-16T14:37:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry that the posts have been a wreck for the last several weeks. Thanks to God and Google help I believe the problem to be repaired. Thanks for your understanding. wdc

August 15, 2011

2011-08-14T17:43:00.001-04:00

"And blessed is he who keeps from stumbling over Me." Luke 7:23

In her Bible study, "Jesus the One and Only," author Beth Moore has a chapter entitled, "A Bout With Doubt." In it she says the following that has meant so much to me.

"Most of the time our doubts come from our heart, not our head. ‘We’ve got to know what we know even when we don’t feel what we want to feel.’" (p.88) She goes on to say that the Greek word for faith is pistis and means "a firm persuasion or conviction." It is a head-faith biased on knowledge of the one in whom we have our trust. Many times I have had to go back to my Bible and claim the promises of God’s love, forgiveness and salvation when my heart tried to convince me otherwise. Like Paul, I must declare, "I know (have a firm conviction based on the truth found, proven and established in Scripture, not feeling with an inferior feeler that can change with the wind) in whom I have believed in and am persuaded (based on the truth of facts not feelings) that He is able to keep that which I have committed to Him against that day." (2 Timothy 1:12) Is your pistis based on fact or feeling? When the storm hits and the bout with doubt broadsides you, only a firm conviction based in fact will bring you through. As Beth went on to say, "Believe it with your head even when you’re struggling with your heart." (p.90)

Thought for the week: "A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the rear."

Funny for the week: "Traffic Camera"

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a fastened seat belt.

Man I hate those cameras…….Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which book in the Bible immediately precedes Isaiah? (Song of Solomon)

This week’s question: In the list of Ten Commandments which number of Commandment is the following: "Thou shalt not commit adultery."?

August 8, 2011

2011-08-08T00:01:00.001-04:00

Psalm 103

Take time today to read Psalm 103. But, since I now most of you won’t, let me list some of the things this Psalm says God does for you.

1. Pardons all your iniquities.

2. Heals all your diseases

3. Redeems your life from the pit.

4. Crowns you with loving kindness and compassion.

5. Satisfies your years with good things.

6. Performs righteous deeds and judgments.

7. Is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in loving-kindness.

8. He will not always strive with us or keep His anger forever.

9. Does not deal with us according to our sins, or reward us according to our iniquities.

10. Removes our transgressions from us.

11. Has compassion on us like a father, on those who fear Him.

12. His loving kindness is from everlasting to everlasting.

13. His righteousness is to children’s children who keep his covenant.

Ahh, now doesn’t that make you feel special!?

Thought for the week: "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

Funny for the week: Cooking for Tom

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

NOTICE: We did not mention any hair color with this humor..........Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: In what city was Paul killed? (Rome)

This week’s question: Which book in the Bible immediately precedes Isaiah?

August 1, 2011

2011-08-01T00:27:00.002-04:00

“…and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32b

Listen closely with your eyes today because I am going to let you in on a really big secret. Many of you are living in slavery to past sins, present indebtedness, work and a host of demons that demand your time and strength. Want to be free from those kinds of enslaving monsters? Then listen closely because I have a secret that will start you on the road to freedom. Ready? Here it is. One of the greatest statements of freedom is the ability to say, “It’s not that important.” As long as you make everything into a life and death, sink or swim matter, you will be enslaved to the urgent. Pull aside. Reset the important things (i.e. what difference will it make 10 years from now?) and convince yourself that much of what you are majoring on is just “not that important.” Then ask the one who is Truth what the truth is about your priorities and you will find freedom to be all He wants you to be; and that my friend is true freedom.

Thought for the week: "The Holy Alphabet"
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Funny for the week: "Encouragement"
While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.
"We're coming to a hill," the mother announced to her children, "so you'll have to help me -- are you ready?"
I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:
"I think I can, I think I can..."

And the little engine did…….Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the first husband of Bathsheba? (Uriah 2 Sam. 7:4-17)
This week’s question: In what city was Paul killed?

July 25, 2011

2011-07-25T00:01:00.001-04:00

Many years ago when I was in Texas at seminary, my pastor shared this in a sermon. I bought the tape and years later my wife transcribed it for me. It is long, but I encourage you to copy it and put it in your devotional material and read it often. A decade later it would be the ointment that would begin my healing from burn-out. Please, consider keeping a copy and meditating on it often. Author is unknown.

Brokenness

When to do the will of God means that even my Christian brethren will not understand, and I remember that neither did his brethren believe in Him: I bow my head to obey and accept the misunderstanding. This is brokenness.

When I am misrepresented and deliberately misinterpreted, I remember that when Jesus was falsely accused he held his peace and I bow my head to accept the accusation without trying to justify myself. This is brokenness.

When another is preferred before me and I am deliberately passed over, I remember that they cried "away with this man and release Barabus," I bow my head and accept rejection. This is brokenness.

When my plans are brushed aside and I see the work of years brought to ruin for the ambitions of others, I remember Jesus allowed them to lead Him away to crucify Him. I bow my head to accept the injustice without bitterness. This is brokenness.

When in order to be right with my God it is necessary to take the humbling path of confession and restitution, I remember Jesus made Himself of no reputation and humbled Himself even unto death. I bow my head and am ready to accept the shame of exposure. This is brokenness.

When others take unfair advantage of my being a Christian and treat my belongings as public property, I remember the stripped Him and parted His garments casting lots. I bow my head and accept joyfully the spoiling of my own goods for His sake. This is brokenness.

When one acts toward me in an unforgiving way, I remember that when He was crucified, Jesus prayed "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." I bow my head and accept any behavior toward me as permitted by my loving Heavenly Father. This is brokenness.

When people expect the impossible of me and more than time or human strength can give, I remember that Jesus said, "This is my body which is broken for you…" I repent of my self-indulgence and lack of self-giving for others. This is brokenness.

Jesus lived apart from self-effort, self-will and self-glory, and Jesus lived in the power of the Spirit.

Thought for the week: "Any man God would use mightily, He must first break mightily."

Funny for the week: "Good News Dewey"

Olga phoned her husband, Dewey, at work for a chat.

"I'm sorry dear," said Dewey, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."

Olga replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

"OK, darling," said Dewey, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."

"OK," agreed Olga. "Well, the air bag works!"

(Two for one, here is a clean pun.)

Swimming Friends

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.

After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"

I hope I live to be as old as my jokes……….Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Whom did the Lord signify as the next Israelite leader by means of a fleece and dew? (Gideon. Judges 6: 36-40)

This week’s question: Who was the first husband of Bathsheba?

July 18, 2011

2011-07-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

"But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man (woman) does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:19-20 (Parenthesis mine- tb)

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman began pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man didn't move. The woman went ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turned yellow. The woman began to blow the car horn, flipped him off and screamed curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, saw the yellow light and accelerated through the intersection just as the light turned red. The woman was beside herself, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in 'mid-rant', she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman told her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complied, speechless at what was happening. After she shut off the engine, the policeman ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. She got out of the car and he ordered her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turned, placed her hands on the roof of her car and quickly was cuffed and was hustled into the patrol car. She was too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and was driven to the police station where she was fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door for her. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer was waiting with her personal effects. He handed her a bag containing her things and said, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed that you had stolen someone else's car." (copied- author unknown)

Thought for the week: "You cannot add to the peace and good will of the world if you fail to create an atmosphere of harmony and love right where you live and work."
~ Thomas Dreier

Funny for the week: "Army Nurse Training"

During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired.

The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girl," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"

And which field hospital did they take him to?...... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was bribed with 1,100 pieces of silver from each of many lords? Delilah (Judges 16:5)

This weeks question: Whom did the Lord signify as the next Israelite leader by means of a fleece and dew?

July 11, 2011

2011-07-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

Today’s devotion is a little long, but worth reading. Thanks to my Cousin KH for sending this one to me.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1.　

"REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT"

Have you ever heard the old hymn titled "I'll Fly Away"? It's a fabulous song, which is well loved by many Christians and one of my favorites. The words in part go like this, "Some glad morning when this life is o're, I'll fly away. To a home on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away. When the shadows of this life have grown, I'll fly away. Like a bird from prison bars has flown, I'll fly away". That is the picture painted for us in God's word of the transition we have to look forward to someday. At one point King David was weighed down with problems and he wrote these words in Psalms 55:6, "And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest." That's a great thought, but many of us are not quite ready to take off and fly, because we are carrying too much weight. A man recounts the following story that kind of puts things in perspective: He says, "During a business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.　　Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced.　　The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked '14,000 lbs.' But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: 'Remove before flight.'' That seems to be something, which could be understood without saying it doesn't it. You would think that anyone with common sense would understand that wouldn't you. Yet it seems we need to be reminded often about the seemly simple to understand problem of having sin in our lives. The writer of Hebrews writes a great chapter concerning our examples of faith in chapter 12. Notice how he begins that chapter in Hebrews 12:1.　　He says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us." "Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress." Most of us understand that if you want to make something that will fly you need to get rid of as much weight as possible. So, what are you going to have to get rid of before you are ready to fly? What is the sin that has hold of your life and is weighing you down? How are you going to get rid of that weight? The problem with all of this is that if you want to take off the weight (of sin), then you have to decide first of all to do what is necessary to get rid of it. There is another old hymn that comes to mind here that says it all. You may know these words also, but it doesn't hurt for us to be reminded of them again. First the question is asked; "What can wash away my sins?" Then the answer is given, "Nothing but the blood of Jesus!" Are you ready for the flight? Then remove the weight!

Thought for the week: "If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average."

Funny for the week: God’s sense of humor….

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what You did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breath life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

GO GOD!!!!...Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was Jacob's favorite wife? Rachel (Gen. 29:30)

This weeks question: Who was bribed with 1,100 pieces of silver from each of many lords?

July 4, 2011

2011-07-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

"Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find…" John 7:7

Allow me a personal indulgence today. It is actually December as I write this devotion. I try to stay several months ahead. So if the Lord ever touches you with what is said, you will know it is Him and not me. He makes the application current to what is written months before. But back to the story. I had written all of last months devotions and part of this months devotions day before yesterday. Yesterday I came in planning to continue working on them and could not find them in the computer. My heart sank to my toenails and I thought I would scream. All day I searched but could not find this file. This morning when I kissed my bride good-by I asked her to pray that I would find the file. Before I began this morning I paused and prayed, "God, you know where that file is. You care about the little things in our life too. You know I spent over eight hours working on that devotion file. You know where it is. Please, if you want me to use what I have written, show me where that file is hidden. Amen" I knew my wife was also praying, so I began hunting, again. Within ten minutes as I combed through my files, there it was, winking and grinning like a mischievous little kid at me. Yes I believe God cares about cancer and wars. But I also believe he cares about computer files and police reports. Next time before you start to "seek," remember to follow John’s advice and ask first. It really does work because "He cares for you."

Thought for the week: "The greatest thing about Grace is that it makes life not fair."

Funny for the week: Baby Supplies

My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of running the household in general.

This has become worse since we had twins. Everything is double -- clothes, food, pediatrician bills.

Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes.

I've had to remind him that ... talc is cheap.

Got cha on that one didn't I.......... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: As recorded in the book of Numbers, what was the minimum age for conscription into the Israelite army? 20 years (Num. 1:3)

This weeks question: Who was Jacob's favorite wife?

June 27, 2011

2011-06-27T08:30:00.001-04:00

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor requite us according to our iniquities. For as a father has tender compassion upon his children, so the Lord has tender compassion upon those who fear him." Psalm 103: 8, 10,13

This past spring I went to the Lazy 5 ranch with a group of kids. I am always fascinated with the peacocks that run loose. Spring was in the air and the male was out to impress the females. He would strut, whistle and then spread those tail feathers. Then he would do this little strut while the feathers quivered and shook. (Reminded me of some young boys I have watched at football games) Anyway, who of us have not at sometime tried to impress someone else? We even try to impress God. We have this crazy idea that if we try hard enough God will be impressed and reward us for WHAT we do. The fact is, we have never deserved one blessing from God. Blessings come our way because the Father has a huge heart of love and can't help Himself. He has to love you because love is who he is. He adores you so much that he will bless you in spite of yourself. It is all about Him, not about you. If you try to impress Him and think He will answer your prayers because you pray so well or know so much about the Bible, you are simply missing out. He blesses not because we deserve it, but because He adores you. That is what GRACE is all about. Now that is something worth strutting and shaking tail feathers about!

Thought for the week: "Aside from traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees and meetings."

Funny for the week: Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Attractive, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, and quiet meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

I'm a getting thar.... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What does Jesus say that good trees bear? Good fruit (Matt. 7:17)

This weeks question: As recorded in the book of Numbers, what was the minimum age for conscription into the Israelite army?

June 20, 2011

2011-06-20T09:41:00.001-04:00

"Because he cleaves to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will rescue him and honor him." Psalm 91: 14-15

We used to have a dog at our house named Almond. At four weeks he was found abandoned in a dumpster, half starved, flea and tick infested and full of worms. He was taken to a Vet who cared for him for a week. We adopted him. Modern Psychologist might say that it was because of his past. My son says it is because he only had two brain cells, one on each side. My wife says it doesn't matter, like me he's cute and she loved him. What you ask was his problem? He was a coward! Bark tough and turn tail and run. He spooked at his on reflection in a mirror. He howled at the sound of wind. He was afraid, period. But let me be sitting in my lazy chair when the fear hits and wham he landed in my lap. All 30 pounds. Why? He found security there. He knew he could transfer the threat to macho master. A calming voice, a calming hand stroking his head and he would lay down and soon be sleeping peacefully. Is God that kind of calming power to you? Occasionally we find ourselves in frightening situations in life and long like Almond for someone to protect us. Sadly we sometimes think that God is disappointed in us when we are frightened. The opposite is true. Actually He looks forward to when we cling to Him. He really wants to love and protect you. Go ahead, pray and hop in His lap and experience His deep love and fierce protection. Almond forgot that. One day he decided he would take on the neighbors dog, and was killed in the fight. Go against Satan on your own and you too will suffer. Trust Jesus to fight for you and you will win because he has already defeated Satan. Learn from the tragic example of Almond and don't go on that field trip.

Thought for the week: "Among the things that money can't buy is what it used to."

Funny for the week: "Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans"

1. Blaming your gas on me.... Not Funny

2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you goober.

3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick balancing food on my nose.... Stop it.

5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

9. Dog Sweaters

10. The slight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for you on the top of the food chain.

Bow Wow, I didn't know that.......Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who called down fire from heaven to burn wet sacrifices to prove God superior to Baal? Elijah (1 Kings 18)

This weeks question: What does Jesus say that good trees bear?

June 13, 2011

2011-06-13T00:01:00.000-04:00

"I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!" Psalm 27:13

There are three toxic attitudes that I believe are very easy for cops to develop. Attitudes that grow on us and against which we must fight our whole life. NEGATIVISM: Things are bad." PESSIMISM: Things will turn out bad. CYNICISM: People and their motives are bad. Just like bacteria can ruin milk, these three attitudes can sour your attitude, poison your soul, erode your faith and make life miserable. And that is true not only for cops but for anyone who becomes infected with these attitudes. God gives us the spiritual ability to resist and rise above these attitudes; to grow in faith, keep confidence in the future, trust God's grace to change people. Dealing with bad situations that tend to always turn out bad because people with bad motives are behind them can color our outlook quickly. That is why only the one who said, "I am the light of the world.." can shine into our dark thoughts and feelings, illuminate and warm the cold black night and give us hope. Do you know Him? He is the only vaccine against these toxic attitudes.

Thought for the week: Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. -- Harold S. Hulbert

Funny for the week: Most of you know that I normally change these types of jokes to goober jokes. It just won't work for this one. One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?" "No." "Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?" "No." "Then why did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

Gotch-ya didn't I?.......Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: To where did an angel of the Lord tell Joseph to take the baby Jesus and Mary from Bethlehem? Egypt (Matt. 2:13)

This weeks question: Who called down fire from heaven to burn wet sacrifices to prove God superior to Baal?

June 6, 2011

2011-06-06T00:01:00.000-04:00

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

Put yourself in his place. Think for a moment. He is in prison. Not a clean heated and cooled one like Caldwell has, but a dirty filthy stinking damp rat infested hole in the ground. He was waiting to be executed the next day. They would come for him at noon, drag him from his cell, stretch his neck over a block and chop his head off. What he did not know was that a church across town was praying for him. God answered their prayers and sent an angel to rescue him. But what was he doing? SLEEPING! Peter was asleep! He had given the Lord his fears and how he was at such peace he was sleeping. Man, I wish I had faith like that. Peter knew his Lord and Jesus had given Peter such inner peace that life or death, imprisonment or freedom mattered none. God can and does give us an inner serenity when we abide in Him. Like a parent calming a frightened child, the Lord wants to take away our fears. Will you let Him? Will I? Will we seek Him and let Him deliver us from ALL our fears? The decision is ours.

Thought for the week: You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once. -- Polish Proverb

Funny for the week: TOP 10 - BEST GOLF CADDIE REMARKS

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." and the

#1 best caddy comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

FOURteen.......... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Why did Jacob's sons kill every male of the Hivites? Because their sister was raped by a Hivite (Gen. 34:18-31)

This weeks question: To where did an angel of the Lord tell Joseph to take the baby Jesus and Mary from Bethlehem?

May 30, 2011

2011-05-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

"Ponder the path of your feet, then all your ways will be sure." Proverbs 4:26

Many decades ago a friend of mine and her husband were riding down the road in their car. She was driving and he was in the passenger seat. An opossum suddenly swaggered out into the road in front of her and she swerved to miss the ugly beast. Her car left the road, overturned and both of them were seriously injured. From that day on I began to condition myself and my wife to never swerve when driving. Grip the steering wheel, slow down, brake, but do not swerve. Many a person has been killed in head-on crashes when someone swerved to miss an animal in the road. Here's my point. Some of the worst decisions we have ever made in life occurred when we rushed into a choice and did not think about it. We never give God the chance to lead us and advise us. Thinking is spiritual! The Bible tells us to "Ponder" our paths. That means to consider well. Think! Pray and then consider the options, decisions and consequences and then apply the Bible. By doing this ahead of time, we will find ourselves in fewer positions that require us to make a snap decision. Then when the opossum staggers out in the road, if we have prepared ourselves mentally before hand, we will ruin his day and not the rest of our lives. Yes, God wants us to trust Him, but he also gave us brains and He wants us to use them too.

Thought for the week: Happy Birthday to Me !

Funny for the week: "Living Long"

My friend Ida was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."

"We'll try," he replied compassionately.

In due course Ida gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.

Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."

"We'll do our best," he replied.

And my friend happily attended her granddaughter's wedding.

Ten years passed. Ida visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?"

"Yes."

"And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?"

"Yes."

"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress."

"Yes?"

"It has a 20-year guarantee..."

Me thinks she thinks too much of her doctor……..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What did Jesus say a man would not give his son when he asks for a fish? A serpent (Matt. 7:10)

This weeks question: Why did Jacob's sons kill every male of the Hivites?

May 23, 2011

2011-05-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

"The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

A certain Lt. at the Lenoir Police Department once told me after he was assigned to the night shift that he had learned "I don't have to like it to do it. I’ve done it before and I can do it again." Wouldn’t it be nice if your chosen vocation was free from responsibilities that you really dislike? Sorry. That just doesn’t happen. There will always be parts that you really dread to do, would rather not do, but you have to do. Kind of like raising kids and cleaning fish. It helps me to remember in those times that God has placed me in this present circumstance and He knows the parts I like and the parts I don't like. But He has also promised to give me the power to discipline myself to face the days when I am tired, mildly irritated and looking at things that need to be done that I don't want to do. The interesting thing is that after I go ahead and finish those kinds of responsibilities there is a deep satisfaction settles over me. Isn’t it wonderful that we have a God who wants to help us with the jobs that "I don’t want to do, but I have to do?"

Thought for the week: "The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up."

Funny for the week: "Translation Tries"

A Latin American minister was touring the U.S. in an effort to boost financial support for missionaries and ministries in his home country.

At a church luncheon, he was telling the guests about this home country, his family, and the important work being supported there. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

After a pause, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances in the audience prompted him to try to clarify by saying: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

Observing the laughter in the audience, he realized his mistake, but floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language by correcting triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"

Like a lot of preachers, he missed a lot of good stopping places…….Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: How many kings did the Israelites defeat in all to conquer Canaan - 12,18,31,43 , 31 (12 See the book of Joshua.)

This weeks question: What did Jesus say a man would not give his son when he asks for a fish?

May 16, 2011

2011-05-16T00:01:00.000-04:00

"Serve the Lord with gladness..." Psalm 100:2

"Just who do you think you are? Don't you remember what you did? Why would anyone want to listen to you? You big hypocrites! Ever heard those whispered in your ear by an unseen accuser? Satan loves to whisper them to us. We love to replay past faults and failures and invent excuses to avoid present opportunity. It has been said that if God needs perfect people to do His work, then nothing would ever be done. Look back in scripture and you will see that he used prostitutes, murderers, quitters, traitors, adulterers, liars and thieves to accomplish His plans. Now, if he used them, what makes you think you are so bad that He can not use you? In fact I find in my study of scripture that He uses people who are painfully aware of their shortcomings and know they need God's forgiveness and strength to do His work. He can't use those who think they are perfect and all powerful. It is only when imperfect people go ahead and serve the Lord that He blesses our feeble efforts and we then know that He did it, and not us. And that my friend is what humility is all about.

Thought for the week: "Never have children, only grandchildren." ~ Gore Vidal

(or you might agree with this one)

"Parents of teenagers know why animals eat their young."

Funny for the week: LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ... (READ THEM OUT LOUD)

That's not right. Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man. Dum Gai

Small Horse. Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight. Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive.

Yu Stin Ki Pu

Du, I don git hit.........Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: In the parable of the sower, what four different places did the seeds fall? On the road, on stony places, among thorns, and on good soil (Matt. 13:38)

This weeks question: How many kings did the Israelites defeat in all to conquer Canaan - 12,18,31,43 ?

May 9, 2011

2011-05-09T00:01:00.000-04:00

"As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience." Colossians 3:12

Over the past few years we have heard a lot about compassion around our Police Department. One of the things I have stressed is that when you are around people who are hurting, you need to offer compassion and not clichés. Now I admit it is much easier to offer clichés. You are only sharing words. But when you offer compassion, you share part of your heart. Sometimes we who call ourselves Christians pride ourselves in how much we know, and we want to tell others. But hurting people want to know how much we care, not what we know. When they know you care, they will tentatively open their hearts and then you get the chance to share God's love with them. There are many ways we can imitate Christ, but I believe the most effective one is compassion.

Thought for the week: "Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference."

Funny for the week: "Top 10 Songs for People Over 50"

10. Lets Get a Physical

9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough

8. Johnny B. Olde

7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything

6. The Lack O' Motion

5. Hair Potion Number Nine

4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)

3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before

2. A Hard Day's Nap.

And the Number One Song for People Over 40...

1. Knock, Knock, Knocking on the Bathroom Door

Oh God, help me laugh cause ain=t it true......... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the first redhead recorded in the Bible? Esau (Gen. 25:25)

This weeks question: In the parable of the sower, what four different places did the seeds fall?

May 2, 2011

2011-05-02T08:29:00.001-04:00

"For now we see in a mirror and are baffled; but someday we are going to see Him in His completeness, face to face. As yet my knowledge is incomplete, but then I shall know in full, as I have been fully known." I Corinthians 13:12

My house is decorated with beautiful pictures my wife has cross-stitched. We even have a joint venture of a clock I built and she made the face for. Beautiful works of art that tell stories and preserve memories. But if you take one of these pictures down from the wall, turn it around and hang it back up, you will have a ugly mass of colors, twisted yarn and knots that are most often un-discernible. On one side her beautiful needlework crafted in skill and meticulous work. On the other side an unattractive, disjointed and rather ugly mess of strings. The problem is that we can only see the backside of our lives. We do not share in the Master Artist's vision of producing something beautiful. God does not always share with us His specifics of what He is doing in our lives. However, He does promise us that His will for us is perfect and beautiful. He will never give us second best. Many things will happen to us in our lives that on the surface appear to be ugly and confusing. Some things will happen in our lives that we will not understand at all. We may understand later and we may have to wait until we get to heaven. But be assured, just as my wife patiently wove the thread into the cloth to create a beautiful picture, your Father is working in the background, planning and implementing events that will make your life everything He wants it to be. Be patient looking at the back side for now. One day you will grace His home as a choice work of art, just like the pictures in my house.

Thought for the week: "Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."

Funny for the week: "The Night Shift"

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through the gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to the supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

How often we miss the obvious.................... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Why did Jacob flee from Canaan? Because Esau vowed to kill him. (Gen. 27:41-43)

This weeks question: Who was the first redhead recorded in the Bible?

April 25, 2011

2011-04-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

"In God we boast all the day long, and praise his name forever." Psalm 44:8

Many years ago when I was young, ignorant and impulsive (ok, two out of three, alright?) Anyway, I used to love to test people without them knowing what I was doing. I would conclude prayer meeting and ask someone to lead in a specific prayer, such as a prayer of thanksgiving or a prayer of praise. It always amazed me how many times the person I called on would pray about and for everything except what I asked them to pray for. Especially when asked to pray a prayer of praise. How little we know of praise. Praise is simply bragging on someone. Not thanking or asking; just telling God how wonderful and awesome He is. Why would we want to do that? Because nothing gets a person or God's attention like bragging on them. And, since there is nothing greater than God, bragging on Him for who He is, is the greatest complement you can give Him. He loves for us to brag on Him and as we do a deep sense of gratitude settles in our hearts and the more we praise Him the more gratitude pushes out any complaining and selfishness we harbor. When self is finally gone, a quite confidence for the future arrives and we find ourselves bragging on Him even more. "Praise Him, Praise Him, all you little children..." After all, my Bible says that we will be praising and bragging on Him in Heaven for all eternity. Might as well get in practice now. Try it today. No thanks, no give-me, no memorized prayer. Just praise Him. Yes, this is a test!

Thought for the week: If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Funny for the week: "Vow Changes"

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."

HA HA HA HA ....................Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: : In what town did Jesus deliberately not do many miracles? Nazareth (Matt. 13:58)

This weeks question: Why did Jacob flee from Canaan?

April 18, 2011

2011-04-17T20:21:00.001-04:00

"Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. But how are they to believe in one whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone to proclaim to them?" Romans 10:13-14

Our family likes to spend vacations at the beach. One of the things I always notice when we stay there is how much rust there is on anything metal. The hinges on the door of the bedroom we stayed in last time squeaked from rust every time we opened or shut it. Other hinges on doors outside had rusted shut and no longer worked. What do you do to rusty hinges? You put oil on them. Oil lubricates the hinges and allows them to turn again. What about people who have allowed sin, past hurts and pain to rust their hearts tightly closed? God wants them to open their heart and receive His love, but they are afraid to try and receive anyone's love. Sadly, their heart's door has been closed so long that even the hinges are rusted tight. Would you let God use your words to be like oil to minister to them? Show and tell them that God loves them, more than they could possibly imagine. God gave his Son for them. Show and tell them that God will forgive their past sins that He has a wonderful plan for their lives. Tell them that you are praying for them. As God uses your gentle words to minister to them, the Holy Spirit will open the door of their heart and you will have a new brother or sister in Christ.

Thoughts for the week: "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." and two for the price of one "Anuther grate mind ruened bi thu educashin sistym."

Funny for the week: Augusta, GA　

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket...　　 When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.　

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program.　 Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back, the injury did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...　　　　 injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.　

Simply fine……..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: In what plains did Moses die? Moab (Deut. 34)

This weeks question: In what town did Jesus deliberately not do many miracles?

April 11, 2011

2011-04-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

"Bless the Lord, O my soul,...bless his holy name. Who satisfies you with good as long as you live, so that your youth is renewed like the eagles." Psalm 103:1,5.

I don't know who coined the word, "nitpick", but they must have known a relative of mine. I bet you have one in your family or circle of friends. You may even have one in your church. Nothing and I mean nothing is ever fine. The soup was too cold. The vegetables were too hot. The dessert was too sweet. The room is too warm. The couch is too soft. The sermon was boring. The music was too modern. The birthday gift wasn't what I wanted. Gripe and complain about everything. Could it be that we do that to God? God sends us blessings and we think, "Yeah, that's nice but it would have been nicer if..." I wonder if God ever wonders if anything would satisfy us? If you are honest and find that you are doing that to Him, Stop and recognize God's blessings, then make yourself thank Him. Don't allow yourself to nitpick and try to improve upon God's goodness. Choose to act like a grateful child who is filled with the joy at the goodness of your Father.

Thought for the week: "The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it."

Funny for the week: "CD Sleeves"

My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.

During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.

Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"

The electrician took a break. (copied from you know where)

Please keep the family of Chaplain Harlow in your prayers. His mother, Frances passed away last night. Funeral will be Tuessday. Evans Funeral Services is in charge of the arrangements. You can contact Chaplain Harlow at
lou.harlow@gmail.com

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: How many years had a woman been bleeding that was healed by touching the hem of Jesus' garment? 12 (Matt. 9:20-22)

This weeks question: In what plains did Moses die?

April 4, 2011

2011-04-03T20:11:00.001-04:00

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, move from here to there, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you" Matthew 17:20

One of the things we dread in law enforcement is in service training. The thing we dread about in service training is the tests. We all play a game of trying to guess ahead of time what the instructor is going to ask on the test. Could it be that we do the same thing when we pray? I fear we often are guilty of trying to hedge our prayers with disclaimers. Ever prayed and then said, "It must not be God's will....I guess the time is not right...Maybe God doesn’t hear my prayers?" Listen, God never told us to try and decide what His will and timing is. God told us to pray with faith, expectantly, enthusiastically eager for our Father's answer. Start today by asking God to make you a man or woman of faith and mix your faithful praying with anticipating faith. Stop trying to guess what He is doing and really believe God has the power to answer your prayer. You'll be delighted with this potent combination of answer and timing.

Thought for the week: Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually read "Beef Recall." The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death. Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?
Funny for the week: "Australia Q & A"
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website: the answers were also there!
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come dressed in medieval costume.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come dressed in medieval costume.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
14. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
15. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
16. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by dressing in medieval costume before you go out walking.
18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Aye Mate………….Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: On which of the 6 days of creation did God create the sun, moon and stars? Fourth (Gen. 1:14-19)
This weeks question: How many years had a woman been bleeding that was healed by touching the hem of Jesus garment?

March 28, 2011

2011-03-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

"The righteous man can suit his words to the occasion; but the mouth of the wicked speaks perverse things." Proverbs 10:32

I have a "friend"(used in the most general of definitions) who takes pride in the fact that they say exactly what they are thinking, when they are thinking it and any way they want to say it. Then they quickly tell you if you don't like it, you don't have to listen. I am sure you know someone who while they may not pride themselves openly in doing this, do it on a regular basis. Why is it that when we are irritated, the first words that pop out of our mouth are always cruel and hurtful? Maybe it is because the heart is the birth place of our thoughts and words and it is so deceitfully wicked. But God knows that and He helps us in practical ways to restrain and hold our words. If we allow Him, he will help us consider, rephrase and polish our words before we present them. This work of God, where He changes our words, may only take a few seconds, but it pays huge dividends. No one wants to be around a person who belittles and criticizes everyone and everything. You will benefit in all areas of you life if you will allow God to veto, substitute and polish your words. Don't be a wicked person. Be wise and righteous.

Thought for the week: It takes just three times as long to tell a lie, on any subject, as it does to tell the truth.-- Josh Billings

Funny for the week: "Found Money"

An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

Don’t you just love old folks?...........Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which king was identified by name by Isaiah almost a century in advance as being the man who would order the temple of Jerusalem to be rebuilt? Cyrus (Is. 44:28)

This weeks question: On which of the 6 days of creation did God create the sun, moon and stars?

March 21, 2011

2011-03-21T01:12:00.000-04:00

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long must I bear pain in my soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long? But I trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation." Psalm 13:1-2,5

I have been told that it takes one mile for a great ocean tanker to stop from cruising speed. I read this week that it can take as much as fifteen miles for one to make a complete turn. Being the captain of one of those massive ships must require a lot of patients. But he knows exactly what he is doing and patiently waits for the ship to respond to his commands. When God works to ease the problems in our lives, often he takes a while. He often eases our problem in increments. As Christians we can rejoice in each step knowing that our Father is indeed answering our prayers. You may be weary today wondering if God is ever going to answer your cry for help. Answers seldom come instantaneously. He can answer immediately, but he may be in the process of turning the big ship of your life away from storms into calmer seas. Be patient, thank Him and give Him time to finish the work He has begun in you. He could never forget you.

Thought for the week: “How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?”

Funny for the week: SCAM ALERT!

WARNING! READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of hundreds of billions of dollars. Don't fall for this scam! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Laughter eases the pain..................Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: In what way did Paul say that Jesus was made a little lower than the angels? He had to die. (Heb. 2:6-9)

This weeks question: Which king was identified by name by Isaiah almost a century in advance as being the man who would order the temple of Jerusalem to be rebuilt?

February 21, 2011

2011-03-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

'Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans 10:13

In Law Enforcement we see a lot of strange things, but this guy has serious problems. To start with, he lived in a graveyard, wore no clothes, ran around screaming at night and was in most people’s opinion, a hopeless case. Today we would don rubber gloves, wrestle him down and take him to the hospital and seek an involuntary commitment order. But Jesus didn’t have that luxury. He confronted the man, expelled the evil from him, saved and restored him. (Luke 8) I wonder how many people we have written off? We think, }He's always been this way." "She will never get saved." "He's committed such terrible sins." We in America are programmed to expect God to save "nice sinners." God doesn’t go by our expectations. He likes to reach into the pit of hell and save souls and give them a beautiful life. Maybe you have someone you have been praying for that is lost. Maybe you feel you are one of those who is too far gone to be saved. Read the verse above again. Whosoever leaves no one out. Even if it seems that you or someone you love is hopelessly bound in sin, this may be the year that you or they will come to know God's forgiveness and become a member of His family. There are no such people as "nice sinners." We are all terrible sinners and only an awesome God can forgive us. All you have to do is call (ask) Jesus to save and cleanse you, and he will do for you what he did for the wild man in the story above. No one is beyond saving. All you have to do is ask! You will be saved!

Thought for the week: "A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on."

Funny for the week: "Sunday Paper"

"Where's my Sunday paper?!" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as she was heard to mutter, "Well, that's why no one was at church today!"

I feel her pain………….. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: As recorded in the book of Acts, how many disciples did the apostles choose to look after the food distribution to widows? 7 (Acts. 6:1-7)

This weeks question: What was the name of the sorcerer baptized by Philip?

March 14, 2011

2011-03-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

"The wise person sees danger and hides; but the simple go on, and suffer for it." Proverbs 22:3

We hear it every year: "Fire two rounds and take cover." Fire and hide. Works great in fire arms training, but what about spiritual training? It seems that God first gives us His wisdom and then He gives us an inner feeling when there is trouble ahead, and then He helps us to avoid it. As Christians, we don't have to always stand up and confront a bad situation "face to face." Actually we have the inner power to avoid it and to let it pass on by. Is it a temptation, an abrasive person, a touchy circumstance, future problems in a potential relationship? The list is endless. A lot of these potential headaches can be avoided if we just duck and hide and let the problem go right by us. Yes, there will be some headaches and heartaches that are unavoidable. But many are self-inflicted and could have been avoided if we would have just ducked and hid. Flee the presence of evil. Hide. To do otherwise it to go on and suffer for it.

Thought for the week: "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge

Funny for the week: YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN ...

- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

- The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

- Evel Kenievel refuses a free lift.

- The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

- The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.

My 81 Chevette to the "t"........Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: To whom did God say about meats, “What God has cleansed, that call not thou common.”? Peter (Acts. 10:15)

This weeks question: In what way did Paul say that Jesus was made a little lower than the angels?

March 7, 2011

2011-03-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

"Kindly words are like drops of honey, sweet to the soul and healing to the body." Proverbs 16:24

I would like to find the person who first coined the phrase, 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" and ask them if they still believe that to be a true statement. It is a lie from the pit of hell and smells of smoke. Broken bones heal, but broken hearts and spirits never heal. Many people go through life and to their grave with the memory of one insult blurted out in anger by someone they love burning in their ears and heart. Words are more destructive than guns and permanent damage is done with them. How much better if we would heed the verse above. God gave us the ability to speak encouraging kind words. When we speak words of hope and encouragement we enable others to adjust their vision from gloom and doom to hope and joy. I do not personally believe God does His greatest work through preaching great sermons. I think the greatest stuff happens one on one when God sends a message to another person through you. When you give someone a ray of hope, you experience inner joy also and have the knowledge that God used you. And, all you did was share a few kind words. WOW!

Thought for the week: "The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

Funny for the week: "Chinese Knitting"

Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Peyton Manning is to football. She designed exotic patterns with ease.

There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the handwritten menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked it in her purse.

Some months later I saw the result - a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until at one party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish - but good."

(copied off the internet)

That’ll teach her………. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What four people were brought outside the city of Sodom before its destruction? Lot, his wife and two daughters (Gen. 19:15-16)

This weeks question: To whom did God say about meats, “What God has cleansed, that call not thou common.”?

February 28, 2011

2011-02-28T10:45:00.001-05:00

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above, from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation nor shadow turning." James 1:17

There has been a lot in the media about lotteries and especially the power ball lotteries in other states. People win millions. One of the things they have to decide on is if they want it in installments or one payment. One million cashier check or fifty thousand a month for 20 months. It is the same amount, just different in how it is given. When we pray we are answered, but sometimes the answer is in full at one time, and sometimes it comes in installments. The blessing is the same, just given in different ways. Instantaneous blessings are awesome and wonderful to receive. However, God more often sends a blessing in steps, or installments. This is even more wonderful to receive. Sometimes we pray for someone or some thing and we become frustrated because the prayer seemingly is not being answered. But many times the prayer is being answered, just not all at once. Don't become impatient with the Lord's timing. Instead of looking for the big check, thank Him for each installment. The good and perfect gift is coming from above, but on His time schedule. But it will ALL come. He never short changes those He loves.

Thought for the week: "If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip."

Funny for the week: Brave Captain

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

A hum, theologically incorrect you remember....... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What was the name of the sorcerer baptized by Philip? Simon (Acts. 8:13)

This weeks question: What four people were brought outside the city of Sodom before its destruction?

February 14, 2011

2011-02-14T00:01:00.000-05:00

"He who listens to instructions is on the path of life, but he who hates reproof goes astray." Proverbs 10:17

While I was in College (back in the dark ages) I worked part time and during the summers at Valdese Hospital. We had a souped-up dish washer that we put those ancient stainless steel bed pans in and sterilized them. After that we put them in the refrigerator so they would be really cold when we handed them to the patient. At least that is what we were accused of doing, but we really didn't. One of my jobs was to load and unload the pan washer. Posted on a piece of paper over the washer was this warning, "Use dishwasher soap ONLY!" One night a new boy was assigned to the floor and out of ignorance he used Betadine instead of dishwashing soap. About fifteen minutes after he turned the machine on, a thick white foam began oozing out from under the door to the room. When he rushed to open the door to find out what had happened he was met with a wall of foam head high. The head nurse ordered him to go in and turn the machine off. He emerged covered head to toe with white foam. Hollywood could not have done it better! What a blessing advice is. Why would someone not want to benefit from a mistake someone else has made? We all have times when we figure we have life all figured out and we can handle everything. When we are stuck on ourselves and we think we have everything figured out we shut out a huge blessing from God. That blessing is advice. Use it!

Thought for the week: "Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." - Ron Nesen

Funny for the week: "Corrections"

- IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

- Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

- In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's South-western chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

- In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

- Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

- The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

- Sleeping on a Sealy Mattress is like sleeping on a cloud. Not clod.

- It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

- In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

- There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

- Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

- Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."

- Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police farce. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

- In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

Done a few of those myself…………..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Last weeks answer: Who had a five year old son who became crippled in both feet? Jonathan (2 Sam. 4:4)

This weeks question: As recorded in the book of Acts, how many disciples did the apostles choose to look after the food distribution to widows?

February 7, 2011

2011-02-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

"Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it." Psalm 37:5 (NAS)

Whose Hands?

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.

A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.