February 28, 2011

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above, from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation nor shadow turning." James 1:17

There has been a lot in the media about lotteries and especially the power ball lotteries in other states. People win millions. One of the things they have to decide on is if they want it in installments or one payment. One million cashier check or fifty thousand a month for 20 months. It is the same amount, just different in how it is given. When we pray we are answered, but sometimes the answer is in full at one time, and sometimes it comes in installments. The blessing is the same, just given in different ways. Instantaneous blessings are awesome and wonderful to receive. However, God more often sends a blessing in steps, or installments. This is even more wonderful to receive. Sometimes we pray for someone or some thing and we become frustrated because the prayer seemingly is not being answered. But many times the prayer is being answered, just not all at once. Don't become impatient with the Lord's timing. Instead of looking for the big check, thank Him for each installment. The good and perfect gift is coming from above, but on His time schedule. But it will ALL come. He never short changes those He loves.

Thought for the week: "If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip."

Funny for the week: Brave Captain

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

　

A hum, theologically incorrect you remember....... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What was the name of the sorcerer baptized by Philip? Simon (Acts. 8:13)

This weeks question: What four people were brought outside the city of Sodom before its destruction?

February 14, 2011

"He who listens to instructions is on the path of life, but he who hates reproof goes astray." Proverbs 10:17

While I was in College (back in the dark ages) I worked part time and during the summers at Valdese Hospital. We had a souped-up dish washer that we put those ancient stainless steel bed pans in and sterilized them. After that we put them in the refrigerator so they would be really cold when we handed them to the patient. At least that is what we were accused of doing, but we really didn't. One of my jobs was to load and unload the pan washer. Posted on a piece of paper over the washer was this warning, "Use dishwasher soap ONLY!" One night a new boy was assigned to the floor and out of ignorance he used Betadine instead of dishwashing soap. About fifteen minutes after he turned the machine on, a thick white foam began oozing out from under the door to the room. When he rushed to open the door to find out what had happened he was met with a wall of foam head high. The head nurse ordered him to go in and turn the machine off. He emerged covered head to toe with white foam. Hollywood could not have done it better! What a blessing advice is. Why would someone not want to benefit from a mistake someone else has made? We all have times when we figure we have life all figured out and we can handle everything. When we are stuck on ourselves and we think we have everything figured out we shut out a huge blessing from God. That blessing is advice. Use it!

Thought for the week: "Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." - Ron Nesen

Funny for the week: "Corrections"

- IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

- Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

- In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's South-western chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

- In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

- Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

- The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

- Sleeping on a Sealy Mattress is like sleeping on a cloud. Not clod.

- It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

- In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

- There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

- Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

- Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."

- Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police farce. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

- In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

Done a few of those myself…………..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Last weeks answer: Who had a five year old son who became crippled in both feet? Jonathan (2 Sam. 4:4)

This weeks question: As recorded in the book of Acts, how many disciples did the apostles choose to look after the food distribution to widows?

February 7, 2011

"Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it." Psalm 37:5 (NAS)

Whose Hands?

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.

A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.

It depends on whose hands it's in.

A baseball in my hands is worth about $5.00.

A baseball in Mark McGwire's hands is worth $19 million.

It depends on whose hands it's in.

A tennis racket is useless in my hands.

A tennis racket in Pete Sampras' hands is a Wimbledon Championship.

It depends on whose hands it's in.

A stick in my hands will keep away a wild animal.

A stick in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.

It depends on whose hands it's in.

A sling shot in my hands is a kid's toy.

A sling shot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.

It depends on whose hands it's in.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple fish sandwiches.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in Jesus' hands will feed thousands.

It depends on whose hands it's in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.

Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will produce salvation for the entire world.

It depends on whose hands it's in.

As you see now it depends whose hands it's in. So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God's hands because, It depends on whose hands it's in. (Copied - author unknown.)

Thought for the week: The art of pleasing is the art of deceiving. -- French Proverb

　

Funny for the week: "Obituary - Someone Else"
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work.

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? When you are asked to help this year, remember - we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

- Author Unknown

Sometimes fiction mirrors truth………Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What nation does the Bible prophesy will one day advance like a storm and cover Israel like a cloud? Magog (or Russia) (Ez. 38:9)

This weeks question: Who had a five year old son who became crippled in both feet?