October 31, 2011

Today I would like to share some “Spiritual Food for Thought” taken from the Tar Heel Gideon. It is written by Ted Self.

1. Give God what is right, not what is left

2. “Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school)

3. Man’s way leads to a hopeless end. God’s way leads to an endless hope.

4. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

5. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

6. To be almost saved is to be totally lost.

7. We’re too blessed to be depressed.

8. Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

9. God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts.”

10. God grades on the cross, not the curve.

11. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into church for a faith lift.

12. Prayer – don’t give God instructions – just report for duty.

13. God doesn’t want shares of your life, He wants controlling interest.

14. Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church.

15. A family altar can alter a family.

16. We don’t change the message, the message changes us.

17. This Church is “Prayer Conditioned.”

18. When God ordains, He sustains.

19. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

20. Most people want to serve God – but only in an advisory capacity.

21. Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

22. Exercise daily – walk with the Lord.

23. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

24. Wisdom has two parts: A) Having a lot to say. B) Not saying it.

25. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.

26. Watch your step carefully. Everyone else does.

27. A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.

28. Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

29. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

30. He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

31. Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

32. He who angers you controls you!

33. Worry is the darkroom in which “negatives” are developed.

34. Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.

35. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

36. Be ye fishers of men, you catch them, He will clean them.

37. Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.

38. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

39. If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!

Thought for the week: “To realize the worth of the anchor we need to feel the storm.”

Funny for the week: "Top 10 Wrong Ways to Initiate Your Son Into Manhood"

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with it's tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: How many generations were there from Abraham to King David – 7, 8.14,20,or 23? (14 Matthew 1:17)

This week’s question: What did Moses produce from a rock to pacify the mutinous Israelites while wandering in the desert?

October 24, 2011

“But the fruit of the Spirit is …...” Galatians 5:22

The supposedly “king of rock in roll” named Elvis once sang about being “all shook up.” I got to thinking about that and wondered, what comes out of me when I get “all shook up?” Imagine someone holding a full cup of coffee and having someone bump their elbow. What comes out of the cup? Only what is inside the cup splashes out. Not milk or juice but coffee. What about you and me? What is inside us that splashes out when we get verbally or emotionally bumped at home or work? Does anger, resentment, foul language or gossip spew from our mouth or does gentleness, kindness, meekness and forgiveness? God’s desire is to conform us to the image of his son and when Jesus had hectic days he NEVER was short or rude with anyone. Even on the cross dying a horrible death he did not curse or berate, but prayed for those who were killing and tormenting him. Your faith is not put to the test sitting in a church pew with people who care about you. It is molded and tested on the rough and hectic days when you get bumped and shoved by people who are seemingly intent on making you miserable. When they bump you, what comes out? Listen to your words next time. Are they fruit of the spirit or fruit of the flesh words.

Thought for the week: “You may not like Mondays, but they are one-seventh of your life.”

Funny for the week: Mari's Voice

My friend Mari has a screechy voice that makes people queasy to hear it.

The other day she came over for dinner. I served squid.

After dinner she went out on the terrace and, observing a gorgeous sunset, she yelled in for the rest of us to come out and see it.

I felt suddenly nauseated. At first I thought it was something I had eaten.

Actually it was the call o' Mari.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What normally sinkable item did Elisha make float? (An iron axe head 2 Kings 6:6)

This week’s question: How many generations were there from Abraham to King David – 7, 8,14,20,or 23?

October 17, 2011

“The angel of the Lord keeps guard around those that fear him, and delivers them.” Psalm 34:7

What do you fear? Certain people in my house fear spiders. Others fear the dark. The list of phobias is long and complicated. We all have things that cause us to become apprehensive. Some are totally incapacitated by them. Some fear is natural and good. In police work we talk about the adrenalin rush we get when facing a dangerous task as the “fight or flight syndrome.” That burst of energy is built into our system by God to enable us to respond to danger with extra energy to either run or fight for survival. All of us have it. But what about those who never come down from it and live in a constant state of dread and fear? That is not good. If left unchecked, it will eventually drain that person of all life and health and leads to an early death. When it comes to your safety, God is watching you very carefully. He knows the dangers, the traps, and the snares of life you face. God would never let Jesus die for you and then abandon you to the dangers and temptations of life. He has way too much invested in you to let you go. He gave His only Son for you! If you are troubled or frightened, ask God to help you relax. Meditate on his wonderful love and gift of his Son that he offers you. Memorize verses like Psalm 118:5-6 and say them out loud when fear stalks you. Claiming Gods promises in faith will help you stifle the feelings that control you and you can claim victory. But you have to choose, faith or feelings?

Thought for the week: “If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.”

Funny for the week: "Professor Turns Plumber"

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: To heal the deaf and dumb man in Decapolis what two specific parts of his body did Jesus touch? (Ears and tongue Mark 7:13-37)

This week’s question: What normally sinkable item did Elisha make float?

October 10, 2011

“I solemnly urge you: Proclaim the message, be faithful whether the time is favorable or unfavorable…” Timothy 4:2

As I write this devotional, yesterday was one of those mornings. It was 11 degrees outside and the bed was so warm and soft that I could not bear the thoughts of crawling out. So, instead of getting up at my regular hour, I waited for another hour. Consequently, I did not have time to have my quite time. It was a choice I regretted. All day I was bombarded with problems and inner turmoil for which I had not taken time to prepare my heart for. Feelings battered my faith and won. Feelings say that if everything is going hunky-dory then God is near and we can relax. Faith says that God will solve our problems even when everything around us is getting worse. Living the Christian life when we “feel” God is near is wonderfully fun and easy. Being faithful when the feelings are not there, and when circumstances are tough, when we feel like we’re in a spiritual desert, that takes faith. Next time when circumstances are not favorable and you want to doubt or let you feelings tell you that God is gone and you are alone, choose to be faithful and trust. Choose to let faith overcome feelings and barge ahead believing God will do all he has promised, exceedingly abundantly more! “I believe, help thou my unbelief!!”

Thought for the week: “Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.”

Funny for the week: Bologna Fly

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna.

The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.

Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.

The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Whom did Hazael murder and take the throne from? (Ben-haded 2 Kings 8:13-15)

This week’s question: To heal the deaf and dumb man in Decapolis what two specific parts of his body did Jesus touch?

October 3, 2011

"I prefer to find my joy in the very things that are my weakness; and then the power of Christ will come and rest upon me. I am well content with these humiliations of mine, the hardships, the persecutions, the times of difficulty I undergo for Christ; for when I am weak, it is then that I am strong."    II Corinthians 12:9-10

I have scars all over my body. Where my appendix was taken out, where I had a bike wreck, where I stepped on an oyster bed barefooted, and on and on: From head to toe, I have scars from past encounters with sharp items. Bet some of you do too. But did you know your soul has scars too? A friend of mine calls them “soul scars.” You know, those areas in your life where you have been hurt, where you have failed, where God had to remove something harmful from your life, where you feel inadequate or ashamed. We all have them, but few admit it. Like models on the cover of Cover Girl Magazine, we want to look perfect to those around us, so we try to cover the scars up. But for Christians, the very scar we are trying to cover up is in fact a reminder of His victory. It is a place where He gently encouraged, strengthened and helped us release past hurts. That scar can be something He can show others, not about how good you are, but how wonderful He is. Then, when He has restored you, the positive power of God can be seen coming from Him and not us. Got any scars you can show the world today? Share God’s victory in your life with someone today.

Thought for the week: “Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.”

Funny for the week: Two funnies this week…

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. 

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

And then there was….

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.  He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"A hundred and fifty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.  "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.  Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the father of Abimelech? (Gideon Judges 8:31)

This week’s question: Whom did Hazael murder and take the throne from?