January 28, 2008

No. 461

FROM CHAPLAIN BARNES On-the-Job Inspiration, Humor Challenge and Encouragement. You are invited to copy and share these notes with others so long as it is not for profit.

"The apostles said to the Lord, 'Increase our faith.' The Lord replied, 'If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, be uprooted and planted in the sea, and it would obey you.'" Luke 17:5-6

This devotion if for me today. You are welcome to look over my shoulder if you wish, but if it doesn't apply to you, allow me preach to myself today. Thank you.

Sometimes when I pray, Lord, I catch myself giving up before I even finish the prayer. I pray, but on the inside I am doubting that the prayer will be answered. At least not as I have asked it. I can pray with total confidence about everyday stuff you know, "Watch over the kids, thank you for the food," and so on, but when an extraordinary need comes, the doubts churn inside. I am so glad in the above verse you teach me that Jesus was patient with his disciples when their faith was small. He understood their spiritual struggles, and He understands mine. I guess the issue is not whether I have a lot of faith. The issue is whether I use the faith I have. According to the above verse, the size of my faith takes backseat to the use of my faith. My cry then becomes like the one the father in Mark 9 stated so well. "I do believe, help me not to doubt!"

Thought for the week: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach

Funnies for the week: Dedicated to my Pastor, Mike...(My notes in parentheses)

"Top Ten Signs You're in for a Long Sermon."

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler. (Looked under ours lately?)

9. The pews have camper hookups. (We removed them when we got carpet remember?)

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon. (We have a whole case back there!)

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.(No, but our boys do)

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission. (When we go over 2 hours, we'll need one)

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus. (Good Idea!)

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. (Your notebook is pretty full lately)

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. (We did pad the pews remember!)

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass. (When did you ever look at a watch anyway?)

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only November! (I rest my case!)

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall , blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

I just had to didn’t I………..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the mother of Jacob and Esau? Rebecca (Gen 25:19-26)

This week’s question: How long did Jacob work for Laban to receive the hand of Rachel?

January 21, 2008

FROM CHAPLAIN BARNES On-the-Job Inspiration, Humor Challenge and Encouragement. You are invited to copy and share these notes with others so long as it is not for profit.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ....even as He chose us as His own in Christ before the creation of the world...wherein He has made us accepted in the beloved." Ephesians 1:3-6 edited)

Computers for dummies. I don't even understand the book. I have finally convinced all my friends that computers are allergic to me. We just don't get along. Now, I could beat myself up for being the world’s worst computer blunder, but what good would that do? God has the power to magnify our strength, He also has the power to assist us in our weakness. My mother-in-law had a magnifying glass that she gave to my son. When you take that magnifying glass and look at the surface of a vase or other ceramic dish, you will see millions of tiny cracks. You don't throw the piece away because of the imperfections. Yet some people ignore the good in their lives and magnify the trivial imperfections. Just like Lou Harlow comes to my aid when I mess up the computer, God will help you with your imperfections. Stop beating up on yourself! Your loving heavenly Father is not pleased when you are hypercritical of yourself or any of his other children. Do to the Lord like I do to Lou, put in a call and say, "help!" He is only a call away.

Thought for the week: There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity. -- Robertson Davies

Funny for the week: WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades! You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Tis true tis true…………..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What did Jesus do when the disciples told him of the death of John the Baptist? He withdrew from them by boat to be by himself. (Matt 14:13)

This week’s question: Who was the mother of Jacob and Esau?

January 14, 2008

No. 459

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than our ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8

WHY? Following September 11, 2001 that question was asked a lot. It is easy to get frustrated when we try to "understand' everything that happens in our lives. Many a child of God has said, "I just don't understand." And you know what? That is ok. It is only natural to want to have a fuller understanding of bewildering circumstances. However, there are some things in life that God will explain later. For now, He just asks us to simply trust Him. There always comes a calmness and peace when we simply believe that our Father will take care of things. Read the verse above again. God is God and we are not.

Thought for the week: It is not always by plugging away at a difficulty and sticking to it that one overcomes it; often it is by working on the one next to it. Some things and some people have to be approached obliquely, at an angle. Andre Gide (1869-1951)

Funny for the week:

SPIRITUAL LAUGHTER - YOU MIGHT BE A PASTOR IF...
~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie. (For Baptisms)
~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.
~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
~ You see a picnic as no picnic.
~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.
~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.
~ You've ever wanted to give the soundman some feedback of your own.
~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.
~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.
~ Your sermons have a happy ending...everyone's happy when it ends.
~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.
~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Yelp, I know one of these, or two……………Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who had a dream of a stairway or ladder leading up to Heaven? Jacob (Gen 28:10-12)

This week’s question: What did Jesus do when the disciples told him of the death of John the Baptist?.

January 7, 2008

"This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience!
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.
"I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."
Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor." Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.
Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?" Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.
As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.

Thought for the week: The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away. -- Ronald Reagan

Funny for the week: I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Ah, the advantage of age …………… Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Why did men love darkness better than light? Because their deeds were evil (John 3:19)

This week’s question: Who had a dream of a stairway or ladder leading up to Heaven?