December 26, 2011

It is with mixed feelings that I must bring to a close the Monday Morning Minutes that I have been sending out for the past almost 14 years. I began the devotions in 1997 and have sent one out every Monday since. Thanks to ATT and spam guards, it has become almost impossible to send large emails groups so I am choosing to cease sending the devotions. This will be the last one. I hope they have been a source of encouragement, humor and self reflection, and if they have been any source of inspiration, give Jesus the credit and not this author. It is with a prayer that I close this ministry asking that God's blessings be on each of you and thanking you for the encouragement you have given me over the years. Sincerely, Chaplain Terry Barnes, LPD.

No. 667

MONDAY MORNING MINUTE © FROM CHAPLAIN BARNES On-the-Job Inspiration, Humor Challenge and Encouragement. You are invited to copy and share these notes with others so long as it is not for profit.

December 26, 2011

“Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith….” 1 Peter 5:8-9

I hated that scene. The prisoner was seated in a chair, feet taped to the chair legs and hands bound behind his back. Unable to defend himself, his captor beat him with a rubber hose inflecting blow after blow on his head and chest until he lapsed into a bloody unconscious state. When the enemy of your soul wants to make you miserable, he waits until your most vulnerable time. If he wants to frighten you, then he will wait until you are ready to sleep or totally exhausted and Zowie! enter the “what if” game. If he wants to anger you, then he waits until you’re tired and stressed, and then ka-pow! Enter the event that really ticks you off more than anything else. If he wants you to laps into total uselessness with the self pity ploy, BAM! Here it comes right after you have suffered a major disappointment. Or one of his favorite ones, just after you have failed God and in sorrow asked for forgiveness, Pow! Enter the jack-hammer of guilt to attack your mind and instill questions of God’s love! Satan plays dirty. He invades children as well as adults. He torments the pagan as well as the saint. He only exists to cause all the pain and havoc he can because he hates God and by causing God’s creation, especially his children who he loves, pain, then he is at his best. Please remember; Forewarned is Forearmed. Be aware of these tricks of your spiritual enemy. Know that he will use them on you and pray the most when you are in one of these spiritual vulnerable times. Please remember, we all go through struggles like these and pray for others also. Remember, though we suffer now, it is as for a moment. Satan will get it for all eternity. Jesus has already made sure of that. Now, that ought to be something to get you started praising Him for even now. 

Thought for the week: "In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on."    - Robert Frost

Funny for the week: Santa and Science

1) No known species of reindeer can fly.  But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18).  But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total-- leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

4) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.  That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second.  A conventional reindeer can run, at tops
25-30 miles per hour.

5) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer.  This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons.  Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

6) Three hundred and fifty-three thousand tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.  This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each.  In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake.  The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.  A 250 lb.  Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. 

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.

And Merry Christmas to you too………Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What are God’s first recorded words in the Bible? (Let there be light. Gen. 1:3)

This weeks question: Complete the following verse: “The harvest truly is plenteous, but …..”

The Monday Morning Minute  features material that Chaplain Barnes thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fuelled feedback if sent to his other than more general and family safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s ok with that. And yes, he tells these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called Minister for reasons other than the jokes he tells.

STATEMENT OF PRIVACY: I value my privacy as much as you do. I will never sell or distribute your address or any information about you!

© Copyright: 2010 Monday Morning Minute by Chaplain Terry Barnes, All rights reserved

Terry Barnes

Just because you have the right to does not mean it is right to.

December 19, 2011

“This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

In Genesis it says that at the end of each day after God had made each thing, He declared it GOOD! I have never quite figured out how the Mosquito made it in that blessing. If there ever was something that had no apparent good, it would be that varmint. Yet, God does all things well or good and he made them too. It seems only we humans have the innate ability to focus on all the minor irritations of life and let the “little things” cloud out the mammoth blessings that come to us each day. I am sure the evil one would have us ignore those blessings and focus only on those small nagging irritants of life. Don’t let him. Choose to be happy because happiness is indeed a choice. No one can make you be unhappy or mad. You choose. Likewise you can choose to be happy when you choose to focus on the right things.  So what will it be today? Golden sunrise of another God given day and life or buzzzzz? It’s your choice! Amen, you think about that while I kill this mosquito.

Thought for the week: “Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”    - Lee Daniel Quinn

Funny for the week: Christmas Tree Search

There were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!

I just haul mine up from the basement.. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: How long had Lazarus been in the tomb when Jesus brought him back to life? (4 days – John 11:17)

This week’s question: What are God’s first recorded words in the Bible?

December 12, 2011

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way that you should go; I will guide you with my eye upon you. Do not be like the horse or the mule;…whose temperament must be curbed with bit and bridle.” Psalm 34:8-9

I am going to let you in on a secret: I like my comfort zone! Bet none of you are guilty of that. Let God start nudging me to serve him in a new or different way and man, I can find more excuses and arguments why not to than congress can find sink holes to pour taxes into. I invent reasons why it will not work and rationalize why I should not be the one to do it. I thought I had a monopoly on that art until I read my Bible and found a lot of company. Even though I often quote the proverb, “The only thing that does not change is change”, I resist it in my own life. Fear of the unknown may only be human, but some of us are over gifted with it. Yet in it’s purest form, it is nothing more than faithlessness and that is sin. The passage quoted above says that if God calls you to something, he will equip you to do it. He will guide you and he will protect you while you do it. Not only that, when he tells you to open a new door, there is always a special blessing behind that door. So, if you feel God has been calling you to some task that scares you to death, go ahead, take a deep breath, turn the door knob and walk in and enjoy God’s blessing. Me? I prefer to stay here and make sure everything stays the same, just in case. But then again, maybe…..

Thought for the week: "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
- Douglas Adams

Funny for the week: *Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*

- A couple of slates short of a full roof.

- A few pies short of a holiday.

- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

- All wax and no wick.

- Batteries not included.

- Bright as Alaska in December.

- Chimney's clogged.

- Got his brains as a stocking filler.

- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

- A few presents short of a full sleigh.

Bah Humbug………..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the grandson of Boaz? (Jesse – Ruth 4:13-17)

This weeks question: How long had Lazarus been in the tomb when Jesus brought him back to life?

December 5, 2011

For we have this treasure, in human bodies, to show that the power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted…perplexed, but not in despair; struck down but not destroyed.” 2 Cor. 4:7-8

Eleven o’clock at night – just as I am getting into a good sleep and the phone rings. The Police Department calls and I am needed to assist with a death notification. Ministering to people seldom comes at a convenient time. There are a few times when it is easier that others, but those times are few. I really want to serve the Lord but when I am tired, stressed, discouraged, irritated; the circumstances temp me to quit. (No Scott, I can not walk on water either.) But the truth is that very little of God’s work would get done if we waited for ideal circumstances. Our adversary will insure that senerio never happens. Yet in spite of our human tendency to be tired, discouraged or distracted, it always amazes me how the Lord Jesus seems to bless our efforts, and even more sometimes when we really don’t feel like ministering. I have quoted Charles Swindoll many times but what he said is so true. “There is no ministry without sacrifice.” Paul in his writings said many times that it is when we are weakest, He is strongest. If Jesus’ strength is not flowing through us, then what we are doing is wood, hay and stubble and will be burned up one day. What a waste! Especially if we didn’t even feel like doing it in the first place. Make your ministry count. Allow the hidden treasure of God’s love to flow through you to someone today. Even if you don’t feel like it!  

Thought for the week: "As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air - however slight - lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness."
- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas

Funny for the week: A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"

And who said seniors aren’t sharp?.......... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who told Zacharias to name his son “John”? (The angel Gabriel – Luke 1:13,19)

This week’s question: Who was the grandson of Boaz?

November 28, 2011

“My soul is very sorrowful, even unto death…My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I want, but thy will be done.” Matthew 26:38-39

Do you know who was praying the prayer printed in part above? Yes, it was Jesus in the Garden. Stop and reflect that it is a prayer prayed by Jesus that God did not answer exactly as he asked it. Even Jesus was denied his request. When we pray we need to be careful that we do not paint God into a corner by dictating how He should answer our prayer. We are wrong to tell him how to answer, when to answer or even what to answer. God has the wisdom to answer in a way that is always in our best interest and according to his plan and will. He may answer exactly as we ask or He may supersede our request by answering in a better way. He may also say no or (that dirty word I hate) wait. One thing we can be sure of is that His answer to our prayers are perfect in timing, circumstances and measure when we add, “not my will, but thine be done.” 

Thought for the week: "One today is worth two tomorrows."   - Benjamin Franklin

FuFunny for the week: Senior Citizen Discount

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from the rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

- Author unknown

I resemble that joke…………. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which book in the Bible provides a list of the Jewish exiles who were allowed to return from Babylon? (Ezra 2)

This week’s question: Who told Zacharias to name his son “John”?

November 21, 2011

“Again I say unto you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” Matthew 18:19

Occasionally I have to brag a little. Today’s devotion is one of those times. One of the things I love about my church is we have prayer meetings. Wait! I know other churches have meetings called that, but most of the time is spent in chatting, Bible study or other good things. But we call our Wednesday service a prayer meeting because we take time to share prayer request, prayer victories and then pray. We share request, victories and pray again on Saturday and Sunday nights and other groups meet on other days to share and pray together. We publish a sheet of paper each week listing the request and victories for people to take home and pray in their private times. Our church has been amazed how great this blessing has been. God never intended us to face life alone. When we share our needs with others they help us carry the load. When trouble comes the pressure is halved. When good times come the joy is doubled. If you are not involved in a prayer group, ask God to lead you to a spiritual prayer support group. Better yet, start one in your church! It’s Biblical!

Thought for the week: A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
            -- Granville Hicks

Funny for the week: Expensive Cosmetics

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

Trip to the ER..Priceless……….. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What task was given exclusively to the Levite clan in the Book of Numbers? (Care of the tabernacle - Numbers 3)

This week’s question: Which book in the Bible provides a list of the Jewish exiles who were allowed to return from Babylon?

November 14, 2011

“Cast your burden upon the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

Be honest now! Just think with me for a moment. What if? What if you never had a worry or care? Would you act any different? Would you do anything different? I would. If  I had absolutely no care or worry in the world I would be the most arrogant, self righteous, flagrant, flamboyant, fool that ever lived. If there were never times when I had done all I could do and nothing works and I had to totally trust the Lord, then He would not be necessary. If I could solve all my problems and fix all my worries I would never cry out to God and understand his power and care for me. I would never pray or search the scriptures for promises or comfort – why bother? I would become a very self centered thankless creature who learned creative ways to pat himself on the back all the time. I would never experience the godly serenity that comes when I totally turn something over the Lord. The truth is, we all do worry and have cares. We are not the master of our own fate. We are not capable of handling all our affairs or defending ourselves from natural and supernatural assaults. There are those times when we must totally trust the Lord because we are not God and He is. It is part of His design to show us that He really does care for us, and that we really are the apple of His eye and the delight of his heart. Feelings will try to tell us different, but faith will always point us to the promises He has given and which He always will keep. It is in faith we cast our burden upon the Lord, it is in faith we leave them there. Worry? Who me? I wish! But I am trying. How about you?

Thought for the week: “Peace is not the absence of trouble - peace is the presence of God.”

Funny for the week: "Special Delivery"

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which book in the New Testament says, “But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.”? (1 Corinthians 11:28)

This week’s question: What task was given exclusively to the Levite clan in the Book of Numbers?

November 7, 2011

“When you are angry, do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath.” Ephesians 4:26

Did you know it is not Biblical to tell someone “now don’t get mad”? Godly anger has it’s place. We are to be angry when injustice prevails and innocent people suffer or die. We are to be angry when evil sows it thorns of death and destruction on people’s lives. We are to be angry about things God is angry about. But there is always a catch it seems and so does Biblical anger. While we are being angry, we must not sin. We must control our anger and focus it to correct problems and defend the helpless. We sin when we allow the anger to control us. Controlled anger is splitting an atom inside a controlled reactor in a power plant and producing electricity. Uncontrolled anger is splitting an atom uncontrolled in a bomb and destroying everything in an entire city. How are you with anger? Controlled or uncontrolled? When you see the pettiness, rudeness or evil of others, how do you react? When someone bumps you, what spills out? Do we use our anger to carve up other people, cut them down and inflict all the damage we can or do we use anger to fight for right and correct injustice? Do we turn the anger inward and experience deep depression (depression is anger turned inward) or in love confront the offender and seek restored harmony? Since God made us, He also knew the effect anger would have on us and those around us, so he limited the time we could use it. Anger must be resolved quickly and completely or like unchecked bugs in a potato patch, it will destroy us. Anger can be a powerful motivator to push us to fight evil and wrong, or it can be a deadly villain to wreck havoc and destruction on us and those around us. Be angry about what makes God angry, but leave no place for it to control you before the sun goes down; make peace because “Blessed are the peace-makers.”

Thought for the week: “Nothing you will ever lose matters much if you save your soul; nothing you will ever save matters if you lose your soul.”

Funny for the week: Quick proposal.

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.  Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.  The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch.  She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said.  "We only met a half hour ago.  How can you be so sure?  We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared.  

"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account." 

Wonder if she accepted ? …….Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What did Moses produce from a rock to pacify the mutinous Israelites while wandering in the desert? (Water -  Exodus 17:6)

This week’s question: Which book in the New Testament says, “But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.”?

October 31, 2011

Today I would like to share some “Spiritual Food for Thought” taken from the Tar Heel Gideon. It is written by Ted Self.

1. Give God what is right, not what is left

2. “Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school)

3. Man’s way leads to a hopeless end. God’s way leads to an endless hope.

4. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

5. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

6. To be almost saved is to be totally lost.

7. We’re too blessed to be depressed.

8. Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.

9. God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts.”

10. God grades on the cross, not the curve.

11. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into church for a faith lift.

12. Prayer – don’t give God instructions – just report for duty.

13. God doesn’t want shares of your life, He wants controlling interest.

14. Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church.

15. A family altar can alter a family.

16. We don’t change the message, the message changes us.

17. This Church is “Prayer Conditioned.”

18. When God ordains, He sustains.

19. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

20. Most people want to serve God – but only in an advisory capacity.

21. Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

22. Exercise daily – walk with the Lord.

23. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

24. Wisdom has two parts: A) Having a lot to say. B) Not saying it.

25. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.

26. Watch your step carefully. Everyone else does.

27. A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.

28. Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

29. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

30. He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

31. Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

32. He who angers you controls you!

33. Worry is the darkroom in which “negatives” are developed.

34. Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.

35. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

36. Be ye fishers of men, you catch them, He will clean them.

37. Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.

38. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

39. If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!

Thought for the week: “To realize the worth of the anchor we need to feel the storm.”

Funny for the week: "Top 10 Wrong Ways to Initiate Your Son Into Manhood"

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with it's tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: How many generations were there from Abraham to King David – 7, 8.14,20,or 23? (14 Matthew 1:17)

This week’s question: What did Moses produce from a rock to pacify the mutinous Israelites while wandering in the desert?

October 24, 2011

“But the fruit of the Spirit is …...” Galatians 5:22

The supposedly “king of rock in roll” named Elvis once sang about being “all shook up.” I got to thinking about that and wondered, what comes out of me when I get “all shook up?” Imagine someone holding a full cup of coffee and having someone bump their elbow. What comes out of the cup? Only what is inside the cup splashes out. Not milk or juice but coffee. What about you and me? What is inside us that splashes out when we get verbally or emotionally bumped at home or work? Does anger, resentment, foul language or gossip spew from our mouth or does gentleness, kindness, meekness and forgiveness? God’s desire is to conform us to the image of his son and when Jesus had hectic days he NEVER was short or rude with anyone. Even on the cross dying a horrible death he did not curse or berate, but prayed for those who were killing and tormenting him. Your faith is not put to the test sitting in a church pew with people who care about you. It is molded and tested on the rough and hectic days when you get bumped and shoved by people who are seemingly intent on making you miserable. When they bump you, what comes out? Listen to your words next time. Are they fruit of the spirit or fruit of the flesh words.

Thought for the week: “You may not like Mondays, but they are one-seventh of your life.”

Funny for the week: Mari's Voice

My friend Mari has a screechy voice that makes people queasy to hear it.

The other day she came over for dinner. I served squid.

After dinner she went out on the terrace and, observing a gorgeous sunset, she yelled in for the rest of us to come out and see it.

I felt suddenly nauseated. At first I thought it was something I had eaten.

Actually it was the call o' Mari.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What normally sinkable item did Elisha make float? (An iron axe head 2 Kings 6:6)

This week’s question: How many generations were there from Abraham to King David – 7, 8,14,20,or 23?

October 17, 2011

“The angel of the Lord keeps guard around those that fear him, and delivers them.” Psalm 34:7

What do you fear? Certain people in my house fear spiders. Others fear the dark. The list of phobias is long and complicated. We all have things that cause us to become apprehensive. Some are totally incapacitated by them. Some fear is natural and good. In police work we talk about the adrenalin rush we get when facing a dangerous task as the “fight or flight syndrome.” That burst of energy is built into our system by God to enable us to respond to danger with extra energy to either run or fight for survival. All of us have it. But what about those who never come down from it and live in a constant state of dread and fear? That is not good. If left unchecked, it will eventually drain that person of all life and health and leads to an early death. When it comes to your safety, God is watching you very carefully. He knows the dangers, the traps, and the snares of life you face. God would never let Jesus die for you and then abandon you to the dangers and temptations of life. He has way too much invested in you to let you go. He gave His only Son for you! If you are troubled or frightened, ask God to help you relax. Meditate on his wonderful love and gift of his Son that he offers you. Memorize verses like Psalm 118:5-6 and say them out loud when fear stalks you. Claiming Gods promises in faith will help you stifle the feelings that control you and you can claim victory. But you have to choose, faith or feelings?

Thought for the week: “If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.”

Funny for the week: "Professor Turns Plumber"

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: To heal the deaf and dumb man in Decapolis what two specific parts of his body did Jesus touch? (Ears and tongue Mark 7:13-37)

This week’s question: What normally sinkable item did Elisha make float?

October 10, 2011

“I solemnly urge you: Proclaim the message, be faithful whether the time is favorable or unfavorable…” Timothy 4:2

As I write this devotional, yesterday was one of those mornings. It was 11 degrees outside and the bed was so warm and soft that I could not bear the thoughts of crawling out. So, instead of getting up at my regular hour, I waited for another hour. Consequently, I did not have time to have my quite time. It was a choice I regretted. All day I was bombarded with problems and inner turmoil for which I had not taken time to prepare my heart for. Feelings battered my faith and won. Feelings say that if everything is going hunky-dory then God is near and we can relax. Faith says that God will solve our problems even when everything around us is getting worse. Living the Christian life when we “feel” God is near is wonderfully fun and easy. Being faithful when the feelings are not there, and when circumstances are tough, when we feel like we’re in a spiritual desert, that takes faith. Next time when circumstances are not favorable and you want to doubt or let you feelings tell you that God is gone and you are alone, choose to be faithful and trust. Choose to let faith overcome feelings and barge ahead believing God will do all he has promised, exceedingly abundantly more! “I believe, help thou my unbelief!!”

Thought for the week: “Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.”

Funny for the week: Bologna Fly

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna.

The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.

Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.

The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Whom did Hazael murder and take the throne from? (Ben-haded 2 Kings 8:13-15)

This week’s question: To heal the deaf and dumb man in Decapolis what two specific parts of his body did Jesus touch?

October 3, 2011

"I prefer to find my joy in the very things that are my weakness; and then the power of Christ will come and rest upon me. I am well content with these humiliations of mine, the hardships, the persecutions, the times of difficulty I undergo for Christ; for when I am weak, it is then that I am strong."    II Corinthians 12:9-10

I have scars all over my body. Where my appendix was taken out, where I had a bike wreck, where I stepped on an oyster bed barefooted, and on and on: From head to toe, I have scars from past encounters with sharp items. Bet some of you do too. But did you know your soul has scars too? A friend of mine calls them “soul scars.” You know, those areas in your life where you have been hurt, where you have failed, where God had to remove something harmful from your life, where you feel inadequate or ashamed. We all have them, but few admit it. Like models on the cover of Cover Girl Magazine, we want to look perfect to those around us, so we try to cover the scars up. But for Christians, the very scar we are trying to cover up is in fact a reminder of His victory. It is a place where He gently encouraged, strengthened and helped us release past hurts. That scar can be something He can show others, not about how good you are, but how wonderful He is. Then, when He has restored you, the positive power of God can be seen coming from Him and not us. Got any scars you can show the world today? Share God’s victory in your life with someone today.

Thought for the week: “Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.”

Funny for the week: Two funnies this week…

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. 

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

And then there was….

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.  He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"A hundred and fifty dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.  "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.  Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am.

Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the father of Abimelech? (Gideon Judges 8:31)

This week’s question: Whom did Hazael murder and take the throne from?

September 26, 2011

“For jealousy enrages a man, and he will not spare in the day of vengeance.” Proverbs 6:34

The most dangerous call a police officer responds to must be domestic violence. While alcohol is most often involved, so is jealousy. Anger and violence fueled by jealousy explode and people get hurt. How do you handle jealousy? When someone else gets the promotion, the raise, the attention, the lottery, the clean bill of health; do you ever feel jealous? Joyce Meyer in her book, “Battlefield of the Mind” gives some good advice. Joyce writes, “When you recognize wrong thought patters beginning to flow into your mind, talk to yourself a little. Say to yourself, ‘What good will it do me to be jealous of others? It won’t get me blessed. God has an individual plan for each of us, and I am going to trust Him to do the best thing for me. It isn’t any of my business what he chooses to do for other people.’ Then deliberately and purposely pray for them to be blessed more.” (p.267) Now that my friend takes spiritual maturity. She goes on to say, “Examine what is in your mind. If it does not agree with God’s thoughts (the Bible), then cast down your own thoughts and think on His.” (p.278)

Thought for the week: “You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.”

Funny for the week: Knowledge Pills

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."

AMEN …… Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which book of the New Testament says, “All things are lawful unto me but all things are not expedient”? (1 Corinthians 6:12)

This week’s question: Who was the father of Abimelech?