December 26, 2011

It is with mixed feelings that I must bring to a close the Monday Morning Minutes that I have been sending out for the past almost 14 years. I began the devotions in 1997 and have sent one out every Monday since. Thanks to ATT and spam guards, it has become almost impossible to send large emails groups so I am choosing to cease sending the devotions. This will be the last one. I hope they have been a source of encouragement, humor and self reflection, and if they have been any source of inspiration, give Jesus the credit and not this author. It is with a prayer that I close this ministry asking that God's blessings be on each of you and thanking you for the encouragement you have given me over the years. Sincerely, Chaplain Terry Barnes, LPD.

No. 667

MONDAY MORNING MINUTE © FROM CHAPLAIN BARNES On-the-Job Inspiration, Humor Challenge and Encouragement. You are invited to copy and share these notes with others so long as it is not for profit.

December 26, 2011

“Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith….” 1 Peter 5:8-9

I hated that scene. The prisoner was seated in a chair, feet taped to the chair legs and hands bound behind his back. Unable to defend himself, his captor beat him with a rubber hose inflecting blow after blow on his head and chest until he lapsed into a bloody unconscious state. When the enemy of your soul wants to make you miserable, he waits until your most vulnerable time. If he wants to frighten you, then he will wait until you are ready to sleep or totally exhausted and Zowie! enter the “what if” game. If he wants to anger you, then he waits until you’re tired and stressed, and then ka-pow! Enter the event that really ticks you off more than anything else. If he wants you to laps into total uselessness with the self pity ploy, BAM! Here it comes right after you have suffered a major disappointment. Or one of his favorite ones, just after you have failed God and in sorrow asked for forgiveness, Pow! Enter the jack-hammer of guilt to attack your mind and instill questions of God’s love! Satan plays dirty. He invades children as well as adults. He torments the pagan as well as the saint. He only exists to cause all the pain and havoc he can because he hates God and by causing God’s creation, especially his children who he loves, pain, then he is at his best. Please remember; Forewarned is Forearmed. Be aware of these tricks of your spiritual enemy. Know that he will use them on you and pray the most when you are in one of these spiritual vulnerable times. Please remember, we all go through struggles like these and pray for others also. Remember, though we suffer now, it is as for a moment. Satan will get it for all eternity. Jesus has already made sure of that. Now, that ought to be something to get you started praising Him for even now. 

Thought for the week: "In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on."    - Robert Frost

Funny for the week: Santa and Science

1) No known species of reindeer can fly.  But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18).  But since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85% of the total-- leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

4) Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc.  That means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second.  A conventional reindeer can run, at tops
25-30 miles per hour.

5) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (2 lbs.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine--we need 214,200 reindeer.  This increased the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--to 353,430 tons.  Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the HMS Queen Elizabeth.

6) Three hundred and fifty-three thousand tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.  This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each.  In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake.  The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces of 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.  A 250 lb.  Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by a 4,315,015 pound force. 

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas eve, he's now dead.

And Merry Christmas to you too………Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What are God’s first recorded words in the Bible? (Let there be light. Gen. 1:3)

This weeks question: Complete the following verse: “The harvest truly is plenteous, but …..”

The Monday Morning Minute  features material that Chaplain Barnes thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fuelled feedback if sent to his other than more general and family safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s ok with that. And yes, he tells these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called Minister for reasons other than the jokes he tells.

STATEMENT OF PRIVACY: I value my privacy as much as you do. I will never sell or distribute your address or any information about you!

© Copyright: 2010 Monday Morning Minute by Chaplain Terry Barnes, All rights reserved

Terry Barnes

Just because you have the right to does not mean it is right to.

December 19, 2011

“This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

In Genesis it says that at the end of each day after God had made each thing, He declared it GOOD! I have never quite figured out how the Mosquito made it in that blessing. If there ever was something that had no apparent good, it would be that varmint. Yet, God does all things well or good and he made them too. It seems only we humans have the innate ability to focus on all the minor irritations of life and let the “little things” cloud out the mammoth blessings that come to us each day. I am sure the evil one would have us ignore those blessings and focus only on those small nagging irritants of life. Don’t let him. Choose to be happy because happiness is indeed a choice. No one can make you be unhappy or mad. You choose. Likewise you can choose to be happy when you choose to focus on the right things.  So what will it be today? Golden sunrise of another God given day and life or buzzzzz? It’s your choice! Amen, you think about that while I kill this mosquito.

Thought for the week: “Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”    - Lee Daniel Quinn

Funny for the week: Christmas Tree Search

There were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!

I just haul mine up from the basement.. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: How long had Lazarus been in the tomb when Jesus brought him back to life? (4 days – John 11:17)

This week’s question: What are God’s first recorded words in the Bible?

December 12, 2011

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way that you should go; I will guide you with my eye upon you. Do not be like the horse or the mule;…whose temperament must be curbed with bit and bridle.” Psalm 34:8-9

I am going to let you in on a secret: I like my comfort zone! Bet none of you are guilty of that. Let God start nudging me to serve him in a new or different way and man, I can find more excuses and arguments why not to than congress can find sink holes to pour taxes into. I invent reasons why it will not work and rationalize why I should not be the one to do it. I thought I had a monopoly on that art until I read my Bible and found a lot of company. Even though I often quote the proverb, “The only thing that does not change is change”, I resist it in my own life. Fear of the unknown may only be human, but some of us are over gifted with it. Yet in it’s purest form, it is nothing more than faithlessness and that is sin. The passage quoted above says that if God calls you to something, he will equip you to do it. He will guide you and he will protect you while you do it. Not only that, when he tells you to open a new door, there is always a special blessing behind that door. So, if you feel God has been calling you to some task that scares you to death, go ahead, take a deep breath, turn the door knob and walk in and enjoy God’s blessing. Me? I prefer to stay here and make sure everything stays the same, just in case. But then again, maybe…..

Thought for the week: "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
- Douglas Adams

Funny for the week: *Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*

- A couple of slates short of a full roof.

- A few pies short of a holiday.

- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

- All wax and no wick.

- Batteries not included.

- Bright as Alaska in December.

- Chimney's clogged.

- Got his brains as a stocking filler.

- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

- A few presents short of a full sleigh.

Bah Humbug………..Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who was the grandson of Boaz? (Jesse – Ruth 4:13-17)

This weeks question: How long had Lazarus been in the tomb when Jesus brought him back to life?

December 5, 2011

For we have this treasure, in human bodies, to show that the power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted…perplexed, but not in despair; struck down but not destroyed.” 2 Cor. 4:7-8

Eleven o’clock at night – just as I am getting into a good sleep and the phone rings. The Police Department calls and I am needed to assist with a death notification. Ministering to people seldom comes at a convenient time. There are a few times when it is easier that others, but those times are few. I really want to serve the Lord but when I am tired, stressed, discouraged, irritated; the circumstances temp me to quit. (No Scott, I can not walk on water either.) But the truth is that very little of God’s work would get done if we waited for ideal circumstances. Our adversary will insure that senerio never happens. Yet in spite of our human tendency to be tired, discouraged or distracted, it always amazes me how the Lord Jesus seems to bless our efforts, and even more sometimes when we really don’t feel like ministering. I have quoted Charles Swindoll many times but what he said is so true. “There is no ministry without sacrifice.” Paul in his writings said many times that it is when we are weakest, He is strongest. If Jesus’ strength is not flowing through us, then what we are doing is wood, hay and stubble and will be burned up one day. What a waste! Especially if we didn’t even feel like doing it in the first place. Make your ministry count. Allow the hidden treasure of God’s love to flow through you to someone today. Even if you don’t feel like it!  

Thought for the week: "As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air - however slight - lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness."
- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas

Funny for the week: A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"

And who said seniors aren’t sharp?.......... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who told Zacharias to name his son “John”? (The angel Gabriel – Luke 1:13,19)

This week’s question: Who was the grandson of Boaz?

November 28, 2011

“My soul is very sorrowful, even unto death…My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I want, but thy will be done.” Matthew 26:38-39

Do you know who was praying the prayer printed in part above? Yes, it was Jesus in the Garden. Stop and reflect that it is a prayer prayed by Jesus that God did not answer exactly as he asked it. Even Jesus was denied his request. When we pray we need to be careful that we do not paint God into a corner by dictating how He should answer our prayer. We are wrong to tell him how to answer, when to answer or even what to answer. God has the wisdom to answer in a way that is always in our best interest and according to his plan and will. He may answer exactly as we ask or He may supersede our request by answering in a better way. He may also say no or (that dirty word I hate) wait. One thing we can be sure of is that His answer to our prayers are perfect in timing, circumstances and measure when we add, “not my will, but thine be done.” 

Thought for the week: "One today is worth two tomorrows."   - Benjamin Franklin

FuFunny for the week: Senior Citizen Discount

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from the rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

- Author unknown

I resemble that joke…………. Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Which book in the Bible provides a list of the Jewish exiles who were allowed to return from Babylon? (Ezra 2)

This week’s question: Who told Zacharias to name his son “John”?