June 27, 2011

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor requite us according to our iniquities. For as a father has tender compassion upon his children, so the Lord has tender compassion upon those who fear him." Psalm 103: 8, 10,13

This past spring I went to the Lazy 5 ranch with a group of kids. I am always fascinated with the peacocks that run loose. Spring was in the air and the male was out to impress the females. He would strut, whistle and then spread those tail feathers. Then he would do this little strut while the feathers quivered and shook. (Reminded me of some young boys I have watched at football games) Anyway, who of us have not at sometime tried to impress someone else? We even try to impress God. We have this crazy idea that if we try hard enough God will be impressed and reward us for WHAT we do. The fact is, we have never deserved one blessing from God. Blessings come our way because the Father has a huge heart of love and can't help Himself. He has to love you because love is who he is. He adores you so much that he will bless you in spite of yourself. It is all about Him, not about you. If you try to impress Him and think He will answer your prayers because you pray so well or know so much about the Bible, you are simply missing out. He blesses not because we deserve it, but because He adores you. That is what GRACE is all about. Now that is something worth strutting and shaking tail feathers about!

Thought for the week: "Aside from traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees and meetings."

Funny for the week: Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Attractive, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, and quiet meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

I'm a getting thar.... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: What does Jesus say that good trees bear? Good fruit (Matt. 7:17)

This weeks question: As recorded in the book of Numbers, what was the minimum age for conscription into the Israelite army?

June 20, 2011

"Because he cleaves to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will rescue him and honor him." Psalm 91: 14-15

We used to have a dog at our house named Almond. At four weeks he was found abandoned in a dumpster, half starved, flea and tick infested and full of worms. He was taken to a Vet who cared for him for a week. We adopted him. Modern Psychologist might say that it was because of his past. My son says it is because he only had two brain cells, one on each side. My wife says it doesn't matter, like me he's cute and she loved him. What you ask was his problem? He was a coward! Bark tough and turn tail and run. He spooked at his on reflection in a mirror. He howled at the sound of wind. He was afraid, period. But let me be sitting in my lazy chair when the fear hits and wham he landed in my lap. All 30 pounds. Why? He found security there. He knew he could transfer the threat to macho master. A calming voice, a calming hand stroking his head and he would lay down and soon be sleeping peacefully. Is God that kind of calming power to you? Occasionally we find ourselves in frightening situations in life and long like Almond for someone to protect us. Sadly we sometimes think that God is disappointed in us when we are frightened. The opposite is true. Actually He looks forward to when we cling to Him. He really wants to love and protect you. Go ahead, pray and hop in His lap and experience His deep love and fierce protection. Almond forgot that. One day he decided he would take on the neighbors dog, and was killed in the fight. Go against Satan on your own and you too will suffer. Trust Jesus to fight for you and you will win because he has already defeated Satan. Learn from the tragic example of Almond and don't go on that field trip.

Thought for the week: "Among the things that money can't buy is what it used to."

Funny for the week: "Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans"

1. Blaming your gas on me.... Not Funny

2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you goober.

3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick balancing food on my nose.... Stop it.

5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?

6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

9. Dog Sweaters

10. The slight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for you on the top of the food chain.

Bow Wow, I didn't know that.......Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Who called down fire from heaven to burn wet sacrifices to prove God superior to Baal? Elijah (1 Kings 18)

This weeks question: What does Jesus say that good trees bear?

June 13, 2011

"I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!" Psalm 27:13

There are three toxic attitudes that I believe are very easy for cops to develop. Attitudes that grow on us and against which we must fight our whole life. NEGATIVISM: Things are bad." PESSIMISM: Things will turn out bad. CYNICISM: People and their motives are bad. Just like bacteria can ruin milk, these three attitudes can sour your attitude, poison your soul, erode your faith and make life miserable. And that is true not only for cops but for anyone who becomes infected with these attitudes. God gives us the spiritual ability to resist and rise above these attitudes; to grow in faith, keep confidence in the future, trust God's grace to change people. Dealing with bad situations that tend to always turn out bad because people with bad motives are behind them can color our outlook quickly. That is why only the one who said, "I am the light of the world.." can shine into our dark thoughts and feelings, illuminate and warm the cold black night and give us hope. Do you know Him? He is the only vaccine against these toxic attitudes.

Thought for the week: Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. -- Harold S. Hulbert

Funny for the week: Most of you know that I normally change these types of jokes to goober jokes. It just won't work for this one. One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?" "No." "Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?" "No." "Then why did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

Gotch-ya didn't I?.......Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: To where did an angel of the Lord tell Joseph to take the baby Jesus and Mary from Bethlehem? Egypt (Matt. 2:13)

This weeks question: Who called down fire from heaven to burn wet sacrifices to prove God superior to Baal?

June 6, 2011

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

Put yourself in his place. Think for a moment. He is in prison. Not a clean heated and cooled one like Caldwell has, but a dirty filthy stinking damp rat infested hole in the ground. He was waiting to be executed the next day. They would come for him at noon, drag him from his cell, stretch his neck over a block and chop his head off. What he did not know was that a church across town was praying for him. God answered their prayers and sent an angel to rescue him. But what was he doing? SLEEPING! Peter was asleep! He had given the Lord his fears and how he was at such peace he was sleeping. Man, I wish I had faith like that. Peter knew his Lord and Jesus had given Peter such inner peace that life or death, imprisonment or freedom mattered none. God can and does give us an inner serenity when we abide in Him. Like a parent calming a frightened child, the Lord wants to take away our fears. Will you let Him? Will I? Will we seek Him and let Him deliver us from ALL our fears? The decision is ours.

Thought for the week: You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once. -- Polish Proverb

Funny for the week: TOP 10 - BEST GOLF CADDIE REMARKS

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." and the

#1 best caddy comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

FOURteen.......... Chaplain Barnes

Last week’s answer: Why did Jacob's sons kill every male of the Hivites? Because their sister was raped by a Hivite (Gen. 34:18-31)

This weeks question: To where did an angel of the Lord tell Joseph to take the baby Jesus and Mary from Bethlehem?